A narcissist in the modern world. The psychology of male narcissism or who a narcissist is

More attractive and successful. Dating for modern people is more like interviews. Many begin to treat their partner not as a living unique being, but as a prestigious accessory to satisfy their needs, which can be replaced at any time. Have you noticed how you yourself are imperceptibly drawn into this race for achievements? Do you look at photos of more successful friends on social networks and feel desperately jealous? Do you feel like a thing in a relationship with a partner who plays the role of God, or do you yourself put on the mask of a cold, irresistible beauty or gentleman, not letting anyone in? Or maybe you are tired of your loved one tormenting you with constant criticism and demands to be perfect? Then our article is for you.

Who are narcissists

In everyday speech, we are accustomed to calling narcissistic, selfish people narcissists. However, this is not entirely true. Firstly, paradoxically, narcissists do not suffer from excessive self-love, but quite the opposite - from burning hatred, which they carefully hide. But more on that later. And secondly, the main goal of a narcissist is by no means getting pleasure, like a real egoist. The narcissist craves world fame, recognition, perfection and does not settle for less.

For example, a selfish person can allow himself to lie on the couch all his life if it is so convenient for him. Wear comfortable but ugly clothes. Demonstrate your contempt for the opinions of others in every possible way and live the way you want. Not so with a narcissist. He can flaunt his contempt for people and the world, but secretly do everything to earn their love. Or, at least, hatred, which, as we know, is no less powerful than love. The worst thing for him is indifference, awareness of his mediocrity.

A narcissist is a woman who gets up hours before leaving home for work to get her hair and makeup perfect. This is a man who works seven days a week to get to the top of the career ladder as quickly as possible. They are not sorry for their health, they are even less concerned about their own mental well-being. There is only a Goal (perfection) and for it any means are justified.

The narcissist is unable to see himself with his own eyes; he constantly needs a reflection. For example, today a woman was praised for her well-done makeup and she is at the height of bliss, looking down on everyone and enjoying her superiority. And tomorrow her new photo received a little less likes than usual, and she already considers herself a complete nonentity. Narcissists' self-esteem is like a roller coaster.

So, the main features of narcissism are:

1. Passion for excellence, thirst for publicity, fame, recognition

2. Fluctuating self-esteem

3. Strong dependence on the opinions of others

How do narcissists behave in relationships?

It is in personal life that the narcissistic character manifests itself most clearly. As we remember, these people are obsessed with the idea of ​​perfection, are not able to see themselves, and therefore do not know how to see others. Narcissists fall in love not with real people, but with the images they create in their heads. And these images are as contradictory and categorical as their self-esteem. The main feature of a relationship with a narcissist is the “swing” of idealization and devaluation.

At first, the narcissist may shower his “victim” with compliments and gifts. In psychology this is called love bombing. A lot of loud words are said about kindred spirits, pretentious promises are made. The narcissist is in a hurry to get closer to his victim in order to subjugate him. He inspires her that rapprochement occurs solely because of the sudden outbreak of unearthly love.

Sooner or later, idealization gives way to devaluation. The narcissist begins to become unsatisfied with some little things, he allows himself to criticize and humiliate his partner. Moreover, all this is done for his own good: his hidden potential, rules of decency, etc. A wife may criticize her husband for his low salary, saying that he was born to be a great businessman. Some narcissists make it clear to the victim that since he allowed her to be around, she must live up to his own perfection. This is how a successful husband ridicules his wife’s style and manner of speaking, because she lives with God, which means she herself must be a goddess.

Why do victims tolerate such treatment? The fact is that the narcissist is a master at feeding them with idealization. They sincerely believe that he loved them in the beginning, and then, through their own fault, something went wrong. They are ashamed that they disappointed such a wonderful person. Or they think that the narcissist’s demands are completely justified: all “normal people” should look perfect/make good money, etc. People with low self-esteem and masochistic character traits most often become partners of a narcissist. Plus, narcissists are master manipulators. When they feel that the victim is ready to leave, they again “throw a bone” to him and begin to admire and idealize him.

Another important feature of relationships with narcissists is their obsession with rules, the habit of doing everything for show. Such a person can shower his beloved with compliments in public, but cruelly insult her at home. Calling your partner “like you” and dirtyly manipulating him. The main thing is that everything looks beautiful.

A match for a narcissist

Narcissists always choose partners for a reason:

1. They want to stand out from their background. For example, a handsome, prominent man deliberately chooses a less attractive woman as his partner. Or a woman meets a man below her intellectual level. This way they not only increase their self-esteem, but also get a punching bag. That is, they constantly take out their anger on their partner.

2. They want to “merge” with their loved one in order to appropriate his qualities for themselves. This is a woman looking for a rich and influential husband to enter high society. Or a woman who has a complex about her appearance and therefore falls in love exclusively with men who look like models.

How do people become narcissists?

Like other character disorders, narcissism originates from errors in upbringing. A child who becomes a narcissist receives a message from his parents: “We don’t need you the way you are, become someone else.” Parents may be annoyed by the child’s temperament (too active or slow) or his natural inclinations. Many parents have plans for their child long before he is born. For example, a family of doctors refuses to see their son as anyone other than a doctor. Or a mother sends her little daughter to ballet, despite her aptitude for drawing, since as a child she herself dreamed of becoming a ballerina.

Without receiving acceptance from the parents, the narcissistic child develops a false personality. He becomes obsessed with perfection because he believes that if I become perfect, my parents will finally love me. A girl born to be an artist becomes a ballerina. The boy, quiet and assiduous, is forced to develop completely different qualities in himself in order to realize his father’s dream of a tomboy son. Hungry for parental approval, such people dream all their lives of getting it from others. But their tragedy is that they do not understand: love does not need to be earned and cannot be earned. They love people not for perfection, but for who they are, along with all their weaknesses and shortcomings.

I am a narcissist, what should I do?

If you find yourself in this portrait, do not despair and do not be afraid. The first and most difficult thing you must understand is that the perfection you are chasing is unattainable. Fortunately or not, we are only human, with our limitations and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself for who you are. Ask yourself often, are you doing something because you really want it or to gain the admiration of others?

Think about why you strive so obsessively for perfection. Perhaps because you are trying to hide behind it a humiliated, ashamed child who was forbidden to be himself? Hear him, learn to establish contact with him. Exercises to connect with your inner child will help you with this. As well as modern popular science books on the topic of narcissism, for example, the works of the American psychologist Brené Brown.

My partner is a narcissist, what should I do?

Everything is more complicated here than if you yourself have discovered signs of narcissism. A person cannot be helped against his will. Therefore, the main thing you should think about now is your own well-being. If a loved one regularly devalues ​​you, sets a certain bar in front of you that you must reach, these are extremely alarming bells. The only way to protect yourself from these manipulations is, unfortunately, to end the relationship.

But if your partner recognizes the problem and is willing to work on it, you can see a psychologist together. Remember, you should never let your partner devalue you. Don't let your self-worth depend on how he treats you. He criticizes, humiliates, insults you not because there is something wrong with you. This is solely his problem, not yours. The narcissist does this for the sole purpose of coping with the painful shame inside (when he criticizes someone, his shame becomes less) and working off his suppressed aggression towards his parents, of which he has a lot.

Signs of narcissism. What is a narcissist?

Most psychologists and ordinary people do not know who a narcissist really is. On the Internet, the word “narcissist” has long ago become a dirty word, and some active, bright, opinionated user runs the risk of receiving this diagnosis. This word is also associated with a certain well-groomed, fit man who broke off a relationship or did not want to go on a second date. Or a more successful colleague, a strict boss - are also targets for being called "narcissists".

This, you know, is very convenient - instead of looking for the reasons for failures in yourself, admit that your opponent may be right - call him a narcissist. I'm reminded of one forum where several angry overweight female psychologists accused all athletic women in America of narcissism. And one of my acquaintances, a psychoanalyst lecturer, accused all her students of narcissism (and there were about forty of them in the class) - so directly, in a fit of anger, she said, “They are unsuitable for their profession, because they don’t like my lectures, and this indicates narcissism." This would be funny if it weren’t sad - after all, patients who come to them also have every chance of being recorded in the ranks of “malignant narcissists”, “abusers”, “rapists”, persons with “deficient ego” and other monsters. And the reason lies in ignorance of the answer to the question: “Who is a narcissist?” Let's figure it out.

Healthy (normal narcissism). To understand who a narcissist is, naturally, you need to know a version of the norm. Initially, the child perceives his parents (or those who care for him) as ideal, grandiose, omnipotent people. Dad, for example, seems to the boy to be the strongest, smartest and coolest. This perception constitutes the so-called archaic grandiose configuration of his self, that is, the inner part of his personality, which is based on the ideal object nearby. At this stage, the child’s mental apparatus is not mature, which goes without saying. One of the signs of this immaturity is the lack of one’s own criteria in assessing oneself. That is, the child does not have a formed apparatus of self-esteem, which will be based on its own values. Instead of a complete self-esteem, there are two parts inside the child's psyche: his inner child, which needs love, and the grandiose part of the self, which is a reflection of the grandiose parents. In order for a child to feel “good” (in adult language, “confident”) he needs approval, evaluation from the archaic grandiose configuration of his self, and simply put: the child needs approval from his parents - in our case, dad. For a child, this is a stage of development, but if such splitting remains in an adult, this will indicate pathological narcissism.

During the first years of his life, a child will not believe that he is good until an ideal parent tells him so. Even if a child tries to prove to himself that he is good, he will not believe himself, since he has not yet developed the apparatus of mature self-esteem, which is based on their values.

Year after year, the child understands that his dad is not the strongest in the world, not the smartest, and even moreover (oh the horror!) - his simple neighbor Vasya may turn out to be smarter or stronger, or cooler. But such unpleasant realizations occur little by little and this does not traumatize him, but on the contrary makes his psyche more mature: his grandiose part of the self gradually transforms into a realistic part and merges with his inner child, that is, merges with the Ego.

Summary: healthy self-esteem is based on YOUR criteria and values. And this happens due to the fact that the initially grandiose part of the child’s self is transformed into a more realistic one and merges with the Ego. There is no longer a need to seek approval from someone ideal from the outside, and the former archaism in the form of grandiosity turns into healthy ambitions and self-confidence. This is a version of healthy narcissism. Therefore, a successful, realized person who has his own independent opinion, who is ready to express it, enter into an argument in order to defend his point of view - this is a variant of the norm.

At two years old, Nina’s father left the family. She hardly remembered him. When she was eight, she accidentally met her dad on the street. She was just walking with her friend from school, and some man called out to her - he was a drunkard, dressed like a homeless person, who called himself her dad. Nina felt horror and wanted to run away from shame, but she stood there as if paralyzed. The conversation still did not take place - she ran home and never wanted to see “this shameful homeless person” (as she put it) in her life again.

Here we see a clear example of traumatic disappointment in the father, which can lead to the formation of pathological narcissism. It is important to see two points. First: Father left the family at the age of two and Nina did not have the opportunity to spend time with him, and that is, the original grandiose part of her self remained grandiose, because there were no gradual and small disappointments in dad, therefore, this inner omnipotent self did not could transform towards “ordinariness” or “realism”. Her dad remained “ideal” in her head, instead of step by step getting closer to the “ordinary dad” mark. It is important to understand one thing: adult patients can talk about dad as an unreliable, bad father, but if there was such a traumatic disappointment, in the child’s psyche the dad unconsciously remains archaic and grandiose. It’s a paradox, but this is how our psyche works. Second point: There was a sharp, painful disappointment in her father when she saw him on the street. Painful, sudden or intense disappointments in parents lead to blocking the transformation of the grandiose part of the self into a realistic one and blocking the merging of this part of the self (with the inner child) with the Ego - the psyche remains split forever! That is, the mental apparatus has stopped developing and remains infantile - this is a variant of pathological narcissism.

The two main causes of pathological narcissism: sudden painful disappointment in a parent (for example, in a father who abandoned his mother, became an alcoholic, was weak in the family, and so on) and a cold mother who did not give love to the child.

Also, one of the main reasons for pathological narcissism is, undoubtedly, a cold mother who does not give the child warmth and care, as a result of which he feels rejected, bad, unneeded and his The ego is imbued with shame. You can read the article on cold mother narcissism where I touched on the question of what a narcissist is in terms of fear of relationships and attachments. The narcissist is afraid of close relationships, because he unconsciously considers himself bad and unnecessary. He protects himself from any possibility of dependence on another by running away from the relationship, devaluing the other, and so on.

Narcissism is a disease of opposites. The psyche is split into two poles: a grandiose part (a legacy from the infantile idealized image of parents) and its own childish hungry part of the self, which did not receive additional love.

In adulthood, narcissists hide their hungry side from others so that no one can see how much they need love. They hide this hungry part (the inner child) from themselves. But instead they demonstrate a grandiose part of the self, in its different variations. Their Ego is imbued with a sense of shame, because when they needed care and warmth, they did not receive it, and they mask their shame with a feeling of superiority.

The famous singer was invited to the show “Dancing with the Stars”. It quickly became clear that dancing was not her thing, so she recruited people to vote for her via SMS. What was surprising was that the singer sincerely believed in the support from TV viewers and sincerely thanked those who voted for her to remain on the show. She considered the other contestants of the show unworthy of victory, “fat,” “cretins,” and so on.

In this example, we see that the singer hides her hungry self from others - it is difficult for her to admit that dancing is not her strong point and therefore she creates the illusion that TV viewers support her so that she remains in the project, although in fact, she is hiring people who send messages. Moreover, he hides the presence of a hungry self from himself - singer sincerely believes that viewers actively vote for her. This is how the psyche works - it passes off what is desired as reality. This, by the way, is a typical mechanism of narcissistic personalities. The devaluation of the contestants who are stronger in dancing is also clearly visible. Depreciation is based on envy of everything good, the best in other people. The narcissist is jealous of others because something good about them points out to the narcissist his own deficiencies.

Who is a narcissist - symptoms and complaints of narcissistic personalities, with philistine point of view:

1. In the sexual sphere: perverted fantasies, lack of interest in sex;
2. Offenses, rage;
3. Inability to establish and maintain serious relationships;
4. Lack of empathy;
5. Lack of humor, sense of proportion;
6. Problems with self-esteem, depressive episodes;
7. Manifestation of one’s grandiosity in some aspects, or in fantasies;
8. Chronic boredom;
9. Pathological lies, and in some cases, the narcissist believes in what he himself invented;
10. All narcissists project their bad parts onto another;
11. Hippochondrial preoccupation with one's body and health, all kinds of autonomic disorders without physical causes.

Who is a narcissist? professional approach in psychoanalysis:

The symptoms described above are only a very rough guide, because the main diagnostic criterion is the presence in the psyche of two split parts: grandiose and hungry. Their presence, and that is, pathological narcissism, can be combined and with the presence of empathy (the second question is that of course the ability for empathy in this case will be reduced), and with the presence of a sense of humor and with other qualities that supposedly contradict these symptoms! That is, a narcissist is not necessarily an abuser, a rapist, an aggressor. A narcissist can be an “exemplary and kind girl” who has formed a false self - in other words, a mask that has become attached to the true Ego.

Also a sign of pathological narcissism is: envy and devaluation of others.

L. grew up without her mother, who went to work abroad as soon as the girl was one year old. Guardianship was taken by the grandmother, who, although she tried to look after her granddaughter with warmth, found it difficult for her. It was difficult for the grandmother to endure pauses of silence, to touch the girl, so she replaced such intimate moments with singing lessons, introduced a large number of rules into their communication, and so on. Dad also divorced mom very early and showed no interest in the girl.

Adult L. became a psychologist on a famous TV channel; she was known among her colleagues (famous show business stars) as a sympathetic woman who was always ready to help. There was always an expression of sympathy on her face. However, it was precisely the feeling of warmth in the atmosphere with friends, acquaintances, and colleagues that L. did not create. She noted that she was often bored in communication where the center of the discussion was not her interests. She also did not have good relationships with men - in them she constantly took a masochistic position and heroically endured the suffering of those whom she herself called “narcissists” and “abusers.”

L. became a famous psychologist on television - her work schedule was scheduled minute by minute. What helped her in her career was the inner conviction that she was a unique specialist and that other psychologists were “defective” and “undeveloped narcissists.” But in moments of loneliness, she could catch herself feeling that she was not interested in life and drove away thoughts of suicide...

This is a clear example of the fact that the answer to the question “Who is a narcissist” is not necessarily “Monster”, “Abuser”, “Rapist”, “Selfish without empathy” and so on. We see a sweet woman who had empathy, was ready to help and put herself in the position of another. Surely, working as a psychologist, there were people whom she was able to help. And yet, this woman is a narcissist in the pathological sense of the word.

Her history includes a cold grandmother and an equally cold and rejecting mother. Her father also abandoned her, which is almost a guarantee that her internally grandiose part of herself has not been transformed into a realistic one. And it shows in her symptoms.

And I just ended a very painful relationship with a guy. Suffering, decreased self-esteem, a feeling of guilt for everything that happened and a feeling of unjustified expectations on the part of a woman... These are exactly the thoughts that come after a relationship with a narcissist. A relationship with such a man can hardly be called constructive. And representatives of the fair sex often become emotionally dependent on such a psychotype.

Of course, then you manage to recover, feel your own worth again and move on with your life. Of course, then you should avoid such men and treat the next candidates much more carefully. But, if you start to understand the whole history of the formation of a narcissist, then it’s worth returning to the little boy and his relationship with the world.

Comes from childhood

Most often, such children are born into families based on principles such as: “now he won’t leave me for another,” “and I’m already over thirty,” or to strengthen a failing marriage. This baby was not allowed to come into the world as an ordinary one, and he was born special. That is, initially this child was not conceived as the fruit of the love of two people, but as a certain function. And these restrictions put it on the same level as something material, for example, a car. And psychologically there is a feeling of emptiness that needs to be filled with something. This could be corrected by parents if they gave their love and affection simply because they have it. But they noticed him only when he succeeded in something or, on the contrary, failed.

The almost elusive connection with loved ones was constantly reinforced by their dissatisfaction with him: “it could have been better”, “everyone got an A, and you...”. Anxiety became the background of such a child’s life. Constant experiences of losing his parents and being rejected by them forced him to live in a mode of “achievement” and “evaluation.” And if you don’t achieve anything, it means you don’t exist. The fear of being inappropriate, of not living up to expectations, focused the baby on feelings such as shame, guilt, jealousy, envy, contempt, powerlessness and disappointment.

But when such a child managed to get approval from people significant to him, then he was on the “top of the world.” However, such states did not last long, since after a while the parents no longer cared or valued what their child had done.

At a certain point, such children learn the most important thing for them - to evaluate and devalue. Living in a constant “swing” mode (either being a prince or being a beggar) and being in constant tension (often accompanied by insomnia, neurotic reactions, panic attacks, etc.), such children begin to understand that a “hole” can be “patch up” with statuses, material achievements and things.

The boy has grown up

Of course, our hero’s childhood was tragic. However, having survived in such conditions, the narcissist begins to pay the world back in kind. He strives to constantly evaluate and devalue it.

To feel alive and existing, the narcissist is in constant search of intimacy with his own “I”, looking for it in connections with others. The life of a narcissistic man is not deprived of relationships. But the problem with such relationships is the lack of sensory experience on the part of the man. But, even if a guy plucks up the courage to meet him halfway, he is faced with two problems: the fear of being rejected and absorbed. After all, having become close to someone, sooner or later, the partner will understand how insignificant he is. And worries about absorption, dissolution in someone makes the narcissist worry that his grandiosity, perfection will be touched by someone else.

Most often, such men force their partners to swing on the same swings that they once did. Narcissists are either put on a pedestal or forced to fall from there with a crash. As a result, either the girls can’t stand it and leave, or the narcissists themselves reject them for fear of being rejected first.

And it would be logical to say that in their love relationships, narcissists are looking for maternal love, which, alas, they cannot receive. Then, tired of looking for it, they begin to agree to admiration, which will somehow bring them closer to their own Self.

Narcissistic men tend not to admit their guilt. It is so unbearable for them to feel like this that they will avoid it by any means. Narcissists, by hook or by crook, will make their loved ones feel like they are the culprits of everything that happened to them before, they will question the other’s own reality. You can often hear the following words: “It’s your fault that I’m yelling at you now!”, “If you understood me, then I wouldn’t have to leave now!”

But, despite the huge number of fears that have been identified among narcissists, the greatest experience is associated with overcoming shame. This feeling is so dramatic that it is unbearable to bear, and it is successfully repressed. It is the fear of interacting with this feeling that prevents them from turning to psychologists. And if, nevertheless, they resort to the help of a specialist, then they choose the best one.

Summing up

The good thing about dating a narcissistic man is that you can learn something about wanting to please him. For example, he will note that it would be nice for you to train your memory or pump up your abs. In other words, motivation appears to become better.

The downside of interacting with men of this type is undermined self-confidence and a feeling of inner emptiness, which always goes to those who dreamed of making the narcissist happy. In addition, when playing by someone else’s rules, you can lose your own “I”, and the motivation discussed above will not be voluntary, but imposed. Do you need it?

In ancient Greek mythology, there is a small myth about the narcissistic son of the river God Narcissus, who tried in every possible way to reject such a wonderful feeling as love. I found out about this and decided to punish him. One day Narcissus saw his reflection in the river and truly fell in love, because of this he could not leave his own reflection for a second, after which he died a terrible death from hunger.

Of course, this story is just a myth, but, unfortunately, in the modern world there are more and more people like this who are not ready to perceive others as they are. For them, there is only their solid “I”, which no one has ever been able to break easily. Such a problem is a generally accepted norm, while in psychiatry, doctors boldly assign a diagnosis of “narcissistic tendencies” to a patient with such a character. Let's talk about what causes narcissism and answer some of the most important questions regarding this disorder.

1. Is narcissism really a disease?
2. Is a person a narcissist because of their upbringing?
3. What treatment do qualified psychiatrists recommend for patients diagnosed with narcissism?

A person with narcissistic tendencies

To begin with, we suggest you define the very concept of “narcissism”. Narcissistic people, as a rule, are incorrigible egoists, narcissistic and fixated only on themselves and their problems. They most often underestimate those around them and demand from them constant admiration for their life manifestations. A commanding tone and a head held high are their main calling card, although most often in reality they are truly unhappy. Self-confidence is just hypertrophied self-esteem. After all, in essence, there is a narcissist in each of us, only someone can skillfully turn it on and off, and someone to this day equates themselves to God. In addition, narcissistic people cannot withstand criticism of themselves, while they themselves are ready to express their dissatisfaction for hours.

Narcissism as a disease

People with narcissistic tendencies are actually carriers of a psychological illness that alters their personality traits. Such individuals constantly strive for the ideal, correcting the errors of their body using various methods. Therefore, as a result, they can become “owners” of anorexia, depression and even drug addiction. Narcissistic people have one unique feature - their anterior cerebral gyrus is too active, so they cannot look at their behavior from the outside and objectively evaluate others. Such people are not able to soberly assess their behavior, and therefore believe that they are behaving within normal limits.

Symptoms of Narcissism

In order to help a person with narcissism, it is first necessary to consider the signs of narcissism. We will talk about them further.

The person feels empty and useless

Many narcissistic people describe this state as a big hole inside themselves that constantly needs to be filled. Because of this, there is a possibility that sooner or later they may resort to alcohol and drugs. The only thing that can truly help is the feeling of real victory. In order to feel the taste of victory, a person with disabilities is ready to do anything, even the most disgusting acts.

Evaluating others and comparing them to yourself

A narcissistic person (by nature) is accustomed to evaluating other people and necessarily comparing them with himself, it doesn’t matter whether this evaluation concerns appearance or character. If a person with disabilities does not feel recognition and love from others, he begins to fall into a depressive state, which can lead to addiction to drugs and alcohol.

Two sides of the coin

A person who has a narcissistic character tends to be in several states at the same time. On the one hand, he is incredibly handsome, wonderful and unique, but on the other hand, he is clumsy and very unhappy. As a rule, the first state prevails during times of general admiration and manifestations of immense love, and the second - during times of misrecognition and contempt. In fact, each of us can remember having similar moods, but there is a big difference between a narcissist and an ordinary person. First of all, this lies in the fact that the first does not have a simple distinction between “good” and “bad”; everything for him is either “terrible” or “great to the point of loss of consciousness.”

Having familiarized ourselves with the symptoms, we can conclude that narcissism is a disease that can really threaten a person’s further development, while not giving the opportunity to live peacefully and feel like a truly individual.

Narcissism and parenting

We all know that a child’s personality is formed through the upbringing of his parents. Highly qualified psychologists can immediately determine from an adult how he was raised and how much attention he received as a child. Narcissism and parental love are directly related.

Firstly, the attitude of the father and mother towards the baby can become a driving factor that provokes the onset of the disease, and secondly, sometimes, because of one incorrectly stated phrase, the child begins to see and perceive the world differently. A narcissist tends to evaluate and compare himself with the people around him, and this is directly related to parental upbringing. After all, once upon a time they were the ones who tried to remind the child that his classmates at school could read him better, and the kids from the gym ran faster. Of course, they wanted the best, they thought that thanks to their statements their child would become more self-sufficient and successful, but they achieved the opposite result. You will ask why?" The answer is simple. After all, this problem lies in the fact that the father and mother did not give their son or daughter a chance to accept themselves as they are, they did not give them the opportunity to study their characteristics and skills. Now a child who has been deprived of his personal “I” will spend his whole life looking at other people and comparing his successes with the successes of the majority, and since his parents always reminded him that there are better people in the world, the advantage will clearly not be in his favor.

The feelings most often experienced by a narcissist

There are several types of feelings that a narcissist tends to feel almost daily:

1. Feeling of shame. This category of people very often experiences shame, which they skillfully hide within themselves. Due to the terrible feeling of emptiness, uselessness, and unappreciation, narcissists can not only become depressed, but also feel a sense of shame about themselves, so for many of them, going to a psychotherapist is almost unrealistic, because in the office the narcissist will have to face his shame.
2. Whether a woman or a man is a narcissist, all their lives they feel guilty before their parents because they could not live up to their hopes; in addition, if the achieved goal is not appreciated by others, the guilt completely seizes the narcissist. Very rarely, only when such a person really gets tired of self-accusation, his complaints switch from his personal reflection in the mirror to those around him.
3. Such feelings accompany a narcissist almost constantly; this is directly related to the fact that he expects failure or a situation that will be insoluble for him. The fear of tripping over yet another trip along the path of life forces the narcissist to be in a state of perpetual anxiety.

Helping a Person with Narcissistic Disorders

If you have discovered signs of narcissism in your loved one, you absolutely need to help him. The goal of such help is to push a person to find his own individual “I”, while going through anxiety, shame and constant feelings of guilt. All psychotherapists believe that in such cases only a long-term relationship with a loved one will help. It is believed that this mission is practically impossible, because with the help of support you can pull a person out of depression and alcoholism, you can deprive him of feelings of shame, anxiety and guilt, but making him fall in love is an unrealistic task. Therefore, a person’s recovery and liberation from the torments of narcissism depends only on him. The main thing is to remember that a narcissist must necessarily go through all stages of therapy: from “terrible” to “wonderful”.

Always be healthy and careful when raising your children!

In ordinary consciousness, a narcissist is a person who is in love with himself. A kind of egocentric person who doesn’t see anyone or anything and is only busy praising himself. People imagine that a narcissist is a person who looks at himself in the mirror, considering himself irresistible and great in every way.

How do psychologists look at narcissists?

To begin with, it is worth noting that narcissism is normal - it is not a disease. This is the personality structure. That is, it is simply a way of building the psyche. It is determined by the main, central conflict within a person. This conflict is basic. It is he who is the starting point for the formation of all other character traits and behaviors.

Another important point. They talk about the narcissistic component. What this means is that this component is, generally speaking, present in all of us. It is simply expressed to varying degrees and plays a greater or lesser role in the overall structure of the character.

I mentioned the internal conflict that is central to the narcissist. What kind of conflict is this?

The central drama of the narcissist

In short, the problem is one of self-identification. The key question, the question of the narcissist's entire life, is "What am I?"

Imagine the situation. You woke up one morning and are doing everything as usual. But suddenly all the people around you tell you that you have changed a lot in appearance. You have a different face and body. What will be your first urge and strongest desire?

Find the mirror! See what's wrong with me? Find out "What kind of person I am." To be happy, upset or accept is the tenth thing. First you need to know, see, study, form an idea.

Now imagine that there is no way to do this. Mirrors don’t reflect you, cameras don’t take photos and videos, and you yourself don’t see your body.

This is approximately the state that a narcissist experiences throughout his life. The eternal search for an answer to the question “What am I?” and the inability to obtain a reliable answer.

Of course, the narcissist has some knowledge and ideas about himself. He collects feedback from the world and sees the results of his activities. Something he can rely on. But all the same, the overall picture “I am such and such” does not come together.

This is the center. This is the key to understanding narcissists of all kinds and stripes. Everything else is “implementation details”.

Another feature of a narcissist is eternal doubt about assessments and characteristics. Even when receiving an answer to the question “What am I?”, the narcissist always doubts and thus does not allow himself to appropriate the answer. Even if it is purely “positive”. The inability to fully internalize this feedback is a characteristic feature of narcissists.

Idealization - devaluation

These are characteristic defense mechanisms that narcissists often resort to. It is clear that the narcissist will strive to idealize the person who gives him what he needs and devalue the other. Another type of narcissist will idealize his false self-image and devalue everything else, including his real manifestations. For example, he may devalue his real fears, depriving them of meaning, being annoyed that they exist at all.

Idealization and devaluation apply to everything that fills the narcissist’s life. With a borderline personality structure, the narcissist's entire world is likely to be divided into the ideal and the insignificant.

At the same time, as we understand, ideal does not exist. This means that disappointment will be the narcissist’s eternal companion. It will come every time the illusion of an ideal object collapses. Most often, in order to avoid this disappointment and the accompanying experiences, the narcissist will devalue what he previously idealized, as well as all experiences with this object.

Compensation and benefits of the narcissistic character

This same addiction causes narcissists to be envious. And envy, with a constructive approach, is the strongest motivation for one’s own achievements. Often, productive narcissists reach great heights. It is significant that heights are usually determined socially. That is, if society considers it valuable to renounce material values, then the narcissist will be a legendary poor man. Since the narcissist is aimed at approval from society, he tends to take values ​​from it.

Narcissists can be quite open, as they are prone to psychological exhibitionism.

The narcissist may develop the ability to quickly become intimate with another. This ability is based on the desire for security. The thought is: “If you and I are very close and understand each other well, if we let each other close and become vulnerable to each other, then the likelihood that one of us will hurt the other decreases.” Since the narcissist is initially not determined to cause pain to another, but, on the contrary, is determined to receive his approval, intimacy becomes an opportunity to somehow protect the narcissist himself. If this dynamic is present, it allows the narcissist to very quickly enter into trusting contact with different people, understand them well and establish long-term close relationships.

Since the main question is "What am I?", the narcissist can often have good abilities for reflection and self-analysis.

Limitations of the article

In this article I have attempted to briefly describe the narcissistic dynamics of a predominantly healthy narcissist. More precisely, neurotic. It is worth considering that there are no people who are completely healthy in a psychological sense. And the degree of neuroticism may vary.

Neurotic disorder can also occur in people with borderline or psychotic personality structure. In these cases, it acquires individual characteristics and is, accordingly, worse tolerated, causing more suffering both to the narcissist himself and to people in contact with him. At the same time, the general dynamics and drama are preserved.

Little daffodil

This article aims to provide a deeper understanding of the narcissistic personality structure and make it more comprehensive, different from the simple “Narcissistic Type”.

As I said above, they talk not only about the narcissistic personality structure, but also about the narcissistic component. The fact is that this component is represented in each of us in one way or another. There is a little narcissist in everyone that may show itself more or less.

When you comb your hair or choose an outfit that suits you best. When you strive for the best result. Or, for example, you feel shame when you soil your clothes. When you want your work and you to be noticed and appreciated and complain when this does not happen.

This is all your little narcissist.