Accurate statements by Faina Ranevskaya. Winged expressions of Faina Ranevskaya

In everything! - It's about amazing Faina Georgievna Ranevskaya!

*When the Sistine Madonna was brought to Moscow, everyone went to see it. Faina Georgievna overheard a conversation between two officials from the Ministry of Culture. One claimed that the picture did not make an impression on him. Ranevskaya noted:
“This lady has impressed such people for so many centuries that now she herself has the right to choose who she impresses and who she doesn’t!”

*God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.

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*This kind of ass is called a “playing ass.”

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*Which women, in your opinion, are more faithful - brunettes or blondes?
Without hesitation, she answered: “Grey hair!”

*Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

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*Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty! (Looking at the hole in her skirt)

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*Critics are Amazons in menopause.

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*When a jumper’s legs hurt, she jumps while sitting.

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*You should stay at home with such an ass!

About health:

*To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - she usually answered: “No, I just look like that.”

*What I do? I feign health.

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*I feel well, but not well.

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*Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.

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*If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.

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*Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.

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About old age:

Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality. I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.

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Old age is just disgusting. I believe that it is ignorance of God when he allows people to live to old age.
It’s scary when you’re eighteen inside, when you admire beautiful music, poetry, painting, but it’s time for you, you haven’t managed to do anything, you’re just starting to live!

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My God, how life has slipped by, I have never even heard nightingales sing.

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Thoughts are drawn to the beginning of life - which means life is coming to an end.

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When I die, bury me and write on the monument: “Died of disgust.”

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Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live long.

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Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.

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About work:

The money is eaten up, but the shame remains. (About his work in cinema)

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Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.

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When I don't get a role, I feel like a pianist whose hands were cut off.

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I am Stanislavsky's miscarriage.

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I'm a provincial actress. Wherever I served! Only in the city of Vezdesransk she didn’t serve!..

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I, by virtue of the talent given to me, squeaked like a mosquito.

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I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it.

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This is the fourth time I’ve watched this film and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before!

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Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.

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How wrong it is to believe that there are no irreplaceable actors. We have been accustomed to single-cell words, scant thoughts, play Ostrovsky after this! I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”

Perpetum male. (About director Yu. Zavadsky)

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He will die from the expansion of his fantasy. (About director Yu. Zavadsky)

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Pee-wee on the tram is all he did in art.

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I don't recognize the word "play". You can play cards, horse races, checkers. You need to live on stage.

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The pearls that I will wear in the first act must be real,” demands the capricious young actress. “Everything will be real,” Ranevskaya reassures her. - That's it: pearls in the first act, and poison in the last.

About myself and life:

I've been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.

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I'm a social psychopath. Komsomol member with a paddle. You can touch me on the subway. It’s me standing there, half-bent over, in a bathing cap and copper panties, which all the October kids are trying to get into. I work in the subway as a sculpture. I was polished by so many paws that even the great prostitute Nana could envy me.

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The companion of glory is loneliness.

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You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.

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I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.

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Who would know my loneliness? Damn him, this very talent that made me unhappy. But the audience really loves it? What's the matter? Why is it so hard in the theater? There are also Gangsters in the movies.

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In Moscow, you can go out on the street dressed as God willing, and no one will pay attention. In Odessa, my cotton dresses cause widespread confusion - this is discussed in hairdressing salons, dental clinics, trams, and private homes. Everyone is upset by my monstrous “stinginess” - because no one believes in poverty.

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Loneliness as a condition cannot be treated.

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Damn nineteenth century, damned upbringing: I can’t stand when men are sitting.

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Life goes by without bowing like an angry neighbor.

On various topics:

Spelling errors in a letter are like a bug on a white blouse.

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The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.

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I spoke for a long time and unconvincingly, as if I was talking about the friendship of peoples.

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Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.

Let this be a small gossip that must disappear between us.

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I don't see faces, but personal insults.

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To help us see how much we are overeating, our stomach is located on the same side as our eyes.

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A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.

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It has always been unclear to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.

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Is my shallow thought clear?

A child from the first grade of school should be taught the science of loneliness.

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Tolstoy said that there is no death, but there is love and memory of the heart. The memory of the heart is so painful, it would be better if it did not exist... It would be better to kill the memory forever.

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You know, when I saw this bald guy on the armored car, I realized: big troubles awaited us. (About Lenin)

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This is not a room. This is a real well. I feel like a bucket that's been dropped in there.

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You won’t believe it, Faina Georgievna, but no one has ever kissed me except the groom.” “Are you bragging, my dear, or are you complaining?”

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Radio Committee employee N. constantly experienced drama because of her love relationship with a colleague, whose name was Sima: either she cried because of another quarrel, then he left her, or she had an abortion from him. Ranevskaya called her “HeraSima’s victim.”

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Once Ranevskaya was asked: Why are beautiful women more successful than smart ones? - This is obvious, because there are very few blind men, and stupid ones are a dime a dozen.

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How many times does a woman blush in her life? - Four times: on her wedding night, when she cheats on her husband for the first time, when she takes money for the first time, when she gives money for the first time.
And the man?

- Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.

Ranevskaya with all her household and huge luggage arrives at the station. “It’s a pity that we didn’t take the piano,” says Faina Georgievna.
“It’s not witty,” notes one of the accompanying people.

“It’s really not witty,” Ranevskaya sighs. - The fact is that I left all the tickets on the piano.

One day Yuri Zavadsky, artistic director of the Theater. The Moscow City Council, where Faina Georgievna Ranevskaya worked (and with whom she had a far from rosy relationship), shouted in the heat of the moment to the actress: “Faina Georgievna, you devoured my entire directorial plan with your acting!” “That’s why I feel like I’m full of crap!” - Ranevskaya retorted.

Today I killed 5 flies: two males and three females. “How did you determine this?” “Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on the mirror,” explained Faina Georgievna.

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Some man pushed Ranevskaya walking down the street and cursed her with dirty words. Faina Georgievna told him: “For a number of reasons, I cannot now answer you in the words you use.” But I sincerely hope that when you return home, your mother will jump out of the gateway and bite you properly.

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At a troupe meeting, actors discuss a comrade who is accused of homosexuality: “This is the corruption of youth, this is a crime.”
“My God, an unfortunate country where a person cannot control his ass,” Ranevskaya sighed.

Catch phrases of Faina Ranevskaya. Golden Collection: ‣ When the “Sistine Madonna” was brought to Moscow, everyone went to look at it. Faina Georgievna overheard a conversation between two officials from the Ministry of Culture. One claimed that the picture did not make an impression on him. Ranevskaya remarked: “This lady has impressed such people for so many centuries that now she herself has the right to choose who she impresses and who she doesn’t!” ‣ God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men. ‣ Why are all women such fools? ‣ Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs? ‣ Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty! (Looking at the hole in her skirt) ‣ Ranevskaya has invented a new remedy for insomnia and shares with Rina Zelena: - We must count to three. Maximum - until half past three. - You won’t believe it, Faina Georgievna, but no one has ever kissed me except my groom. - Are you bragging, my dear, or are you complaining? ‣ Ranevskaya once said that according to the results of a study conducted among two thousand modern women, it turned out that twenty percent, that is, every fifth, does not wear panties. - For goodness sake, Faina Georgievna, where could they have printed this here? - Nowhere. I received the data personally from a salesperson in a shoe store. ‣ Ranevskaya stood in her makeup room completely naked. And she smoked. Suddenly, the managing director of the Mossovet Theater, Valentin Shkolnikov, entered her without knocking. And he froze in shock. Faina Georgievna calmly asked: “Aren’t you shocked that I smoke?” - What I do? I feign health. About health - Faina, her old friend asks, do you think medicine is making progress? - But what about it? When I was young, I had to take off my clothes every time I visited the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue. ‣ To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - she usually answered: “No, I just look like that.” ‣ I feel, but not well. ‣ Health is when you have pain in a different place every day. ‣ If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless. ‣ Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it. About old age ‣ Old age is when you are disturbed not by bad dreams, but by bad reality. ‣ I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs me, but it’s a shame to throw it away. ‣ Old age is just disgusting. I believe it is ignorance of God when he allows people to live to old age. ‣ It’s scary when you’re eighteen inside, when you admire beautiful music, poetry, painting, but it’s time for you, you haven’t managed to do anything, you’re just starting to live! ‣ Thoughts are drawn to the beginning of life - which means life is coming to an end. ‣Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live long. About work ‣ The money is eaten up, but the shame remains. (About his work in cinema) ‣ Starring in a bad film is like spitting into eternity. ‣ When I’m not given a role, I feel like a pianist whose hands were cut off. ‣ I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it. ‣ I’m watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before! ‣ Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one. ‣ I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!” ‣ I do not recognize the word “play”. You can play cards, horse races, checkers. You need to live on stage. “The pearls that I will wear in the first act must be real,” demands the capricious young actress. “Everything will be real,” Ranevskaya reassures her. - That's it: pearls in the first act, and poison in the last. ‣ In general, I noticed that talent is always drawn to talent and only mediocrity remains indifferent, and sometimes even hostile, to talent. About myself and life ‣ Life is too short to waste it on diets, greedy men and bad mood. ‣ There is a very slender woman sitting in my obese body, but she just can’t get out. And given my appetite, it looks like it's a life sentence for her. ‣ Everything pleasant in this world is either harmful, immoral, or leads to obesity. ‣ I don’t drink, I don’t smoke anymore, and I never cheated on my husband because I never had one, Ranevskaya said, anticipating the journalist’s possible questions. - So, if the journalist is keeping up, it means you don’t have any shortcomings at all? - In general, no, Ranevskaya answered modestly, but with dignity. And after a short pause she added: “True, I have a big ass and sometimes I lie a little!” ‣ Surprising, Ranevskaya said thoughtfully. - When I was 20 years old, I only thought about love. Now I only like to think. - When I retire, I will do absolutely nothing. The first months I will just sit in a rocking chair. - And then? - And then I’ll start swinging. ‣ You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you. ‣ In Moscow, you can go out into the street dressed as God willing, and no one will pay attention. In Odessa, my cotton dresses cause widespread confusion - this is discussed in hairdressing salons, dental clinics, trams, and private homes. Everyone is upset by my monstrous “stinginess” - because no one believes in poverty. ‣ Loneliness as a condition cannot be treated. ‣ Damn nineteenth century, damned upbringing: I can’t stand when men are sitting. ‣ Life goes by without bowing like an angry neighbor. ‣ My life is terribly sad. And you want me to stick a lilac bush in my ass and do a striptease in front of you... On various topics ‣ A fairy tale is when you married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around. ‣ If a woman walks with her head held high, it means she has a lover. If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover. If a woman has a head, she has a lover! ‣ Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family. ‣ Once you get married, Alyoshenka, then you will understand what happiness is. But it will be too late. ‣ Optimism is a lack of information. ‣ So that we can see how much we overeat, our stomach is located on the same side as our eyes. ‣ Is my shallow thought clear? ‣ Once Ranevskaya was asked: Why are beautiful women more successful than smart ones? - This is obvious, because there are very few blind men, and stupid ones are a dime a dozen. ‣ The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man gives birth to a single mother. The union of a smart woman and a stupid man gives rise to an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to light flirting. ‣ How many times does a woman blush in her life? - Four times: on the wedding night, when she cheats on her husband for the first time, when she takes money for the first time, when she gives money for the first time. And the man? - Twice: the first time when the second cannot, the second when the first cannot. - Today I killed 5 flies: two males and three females. - How did you determine this? “Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on a mirror,” explained Faina Georgievna. ‣ Some man pushed Ranevskaya walking down the street and cursed her with dirty words. Faina Georgievna told him: “For a number of reasons, I cannot now answer you in the words you use.” But I sincerely hope that when you return home, your mother will jump out of the gateway and bite you properly. ‣ At a troupe meeting, the actors are discussing a comrade who is accused of homosexuality: “This is the corruption of youth, this is a crime.” My God, an unfortunate country where a person cannot dispose of his ass, Ranevskaya sighed. ‣ “Lesbianism, homosexuality, masochism, sadism are not perversions,” Ranevskaya sternly explains: “Actually, there are only two perversions: field hockey and ice ballet.” ‣ Explaining to someone why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said: “Because white makes you look fat.” ‣ Ranevskaya invites you to visit and warns that the bell does not work: - When you arrive, knock your feet. - Why with your feet, Faina Georgievna? - But you’re not going to come empty-handed! - Where would you like to go, Faina Georgievna - to heaven or to hell? - they asked Ranevskaya. “Of course, heaven is preferable because of the climate, but I would have more fun in hell - because of the company,” reasoned Faina Georgievna.

Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

There are people in whom God lives, there are people in whom the devil lives, and there are people in whom only worms live.

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.

There are people whom you just want to approach and ask if it’s difficult to live without a brain...

I feel well, but not well.

Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.

Beautiful people shit too.

There are no fat women, there are tight clothes

I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.

Thoughts are drawn to the beginning of life - which means life is coming to an end.

Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live long.

Under the most beautiful peacock tail hides the most ordinary chicken ass. So less pathos, gentlemen.

Life goes by without bowing like an angry neighbor.

I, like eggs, participate, but do not enter.

Do you know what it's like to act in a movie? Imagine that you are washing in a bathhouse, and they take you on a tour there.

Life is a long leap from the ass to the grave.

To gain recognition one must, even must, die.

It’s better to be a good person who swears than a quiet, well-mannered creature.

Loneliness is when there is a telephone in the house and the alarm clock rings.

If you have a person to whom you can tell your dreams, you have no right to consider yourself lonely...

Life is a short walk before eternal sleep.

If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, it means she understands that she will not find another such fool.

From the beginning of their days to their end, men are drawn to boobs.

There is a very slender woman sitting in my obese body, but she just can’t get out. And given my appetite, it looks like it's a life sentence for her.

Many people complain about their appearance, but no one complains about their brains.

All my life I have been terribly afraid of stupid people. Especially women. You never know how to talk to them without sinking to their level.

Women are not the weaker sex, the weaker sex are rotten boards.

Optimism is a lack of information.

I still remember decent people... God, how old I am!

Damn nineteenth century, damned upbringing: I can’t stand when men are sitting.

I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.

Eating alone is as unnatural as shitting together!

The soul is not an ass, it can’t take a shit.

Do you know, honey, what shit is? So it’s like jam compared to my life.

Everything will come true, you just have to stop wanting

When Faina Georgievna was remarked that there is no word “ass” in the literary Russian language, she replied - strange, there is no word, but there is an ass...

Today I killed 5 flies: two males and three females.
- How did you determine this?
“Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on a mirror,” explained Faina Georgievna.

Old age, Ranevskaya said, is a time when candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half of the urine goes for tests.

Faina, asks her old friend, do you think medicine is making progress?
- But what about it? When I was young, I had to take off my clothes every time I visited the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue.

Ranevskaya stood in her makeup room completely naked. And she smoked. Suddenly, the managing director of the Mossovet Theater, Valentin Shkolnikov, entered her without knocking. And he froze in shock. Faina Georgievna calmly asked: “Aren’t you shocked that I smoke?”

... Well, I come across faces, not faces, but a personal insult! I enter the theater like entering a garbage chute: falsehood, cruelty, hypocrisy. Not one honest word, not one honest eye! Careerism, meanness, greedy old women!

Optimism is a lack of information.

... They all have friends just like themselves - they make friends based on shopping, almost live in thrift stores, go to visit each other. How I envy them, brainless ones!

What kind of world is this? There are so many idiots around, how much fun they make!

I was at the theater yesterday. The actors played so poorly, especially Desdemona, that when Othello strangled her, the audience applauded for a very long time.

Ranevskaya invites you to visit and warns that the call does not work:
- When you arrive, knock your feet.
- Why with your feet, Faina Georgievna?
- But you’re not going to come empty-handed!

It’s scary when you’re eighteen inside, when you admire beautiful music, poetry, painting, but it’s time for you, you haven’t managed to do anything, you’re just starting to live!

A child from the first grade of school should be taught the science of loneliness.

I understand your complaints about the hysterical weather - I myself am a victim of the menopause of our planet. Here in May it snowed, then it was hot, then cold came, then all this happened during the day.

Having recovered from her heart attack, Ranevskaya concluded:
“If a patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.

It's very hard to be a genius among boogers.

Thoughts are drawn to the beginning of life - which means life is coming to an end.

I was smart enough to live my life stupidly. I live only by myself - what self-restraint

If you have a person to whom you can tell your dreams, you have no right to consider yourself lonely...

The neighbor, the widow of the Moscow Soviet boss, was exchanging Romanian furniture for Yugoslavian, Yugoslavian for Finnish, and was nervous. She supervised the movers... And she died at the age of 50 on a furniture set. Girl!

One day Zavadsky shouted to Ranevskaya from the audience: “Faina, you devoured my entire plan with your antics!” “I feel like I’ve eaten shit,” Faina muttered quite loudly. “Get out of the theater!” - the master shouted. Ranevskaya, approaching the front of the stage, answered him: “Get out of art!!”

We have been accustomed to single-cell words, scant thoughts, play Ostrovsky after this!

—What will I see you wearing next?
“In a coffin,” Ranevskaya suggested.

Homosexuality, transsexuality, etc. are not perversions,
There are only two real perversions: field hockey and ice dancing.

A famous actress screamed hysterically at a troupe meeting:
“I know you’re just waiting for my death so you can come and spit on my grave!”
Ranevskaya remarked in a thick voice:
- I hate standing in line!

Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.

Ranevskaya was asked: what is the most difficult thing for her?
“Oh, I do the hardest part before breakfast,” she said.
- And what is it?
— I get out of bed.

A person’s passport is his misfortune, for a person must always
be eighteen, and your passport only reminds you that you can live like an eighteen-year-old.

How many times does a woman blush in her life?
— Four times: on the wedding night, when you cheat on your husband for the first time, when you take money for the first time, when you give money for the first time.
- And the man?
- Twice: the first time - when the second one cannot, the second time - when the first one cannot.

If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover. If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover. If a woman holds her head straight, she has a lover. And in general, if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!

- What is baldness?
- This is a slow but progressive transformation of the head into the ass. First in form, and then in content.

The boy said: “I’m angry with Pushkin, the nanny told him fairy tales, and he wrote them down and passed them off as his own.”
“Lovely,” Ranevskaya conveyed what she heard. After a deep sigh, the continuation followed:
“But I’m afraid the boy is still a complete idiot.”

Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.

Am I really that old already? After all, I still remember decent people.

These “good mornings” must be fought like bedbugs; dust is needed here. The touching girl and the authors should be hit on the skull with a heavy iron, but this is an illegal technique, to my great chagrin. All these radio ladies who laugh with happy children's laughter give rise to millions of idiots, and this is already a national disaster. In general, all the creators of “Merry Companions” are on trial! “Good morning” - right there, “Saturday evening” - a knee in the ass! “Good mood” - to the logging site, where they would have met (if only!) with the management of the Mossovet Theater and its leader, the senile entertainer Zavadsky.

Loneliness is when there is a telephone in the house and the alarm clock rings.

“Which women do you think are more faithful: brunettes or blondes?”
Without hesitation, she answered: “Grey-haired!”

I haven't read anything for a long time. I re-read everything by Pushkin, Pushkin, Pushkin. I even dreamed that he came in and said: “I’m so tired of you, you old fool! »

Ranevskaya stood in her makeup room completely naked. And she smoked. Suddenly, the managing director of the Mossovet Theater, Valentin Shkolnikov, entered her without knocking. And he froze in shock. Faina Georgievna calmly asked: “Aren’t you shocked that I smoke?”

Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity!

Ranevskaya with all her household and huge luggage arrives at the station.
“It’s a pity that we didn’t take the piano,” says Faina Georgievna.
“It’s not witty,” notes one of the accompanying people.
“It’s really not witty,” Ranevskaya sighs. — The fact is that I left all the tickets on the piano.

— Today I killed 5 flies: two males and three females.
- How did you determine this?
“Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on a mirror,” explained Faina Georgievna.

A friend tells Ranevskaya:
- Yesterday I was visiting N. And I sang for them for two hours...
Faina Georgievna interrupts her with an exclamation:

- Because there are much fewer blind men than smart ones.

Ranevskaya was asked: “Why are beautiful women more successful than smart women?” To which Ranevskaya replied: “This is obvious - after all, there are very few blind men, and stupid men are a dime a dozen.”

Do you know, honey, what shit is? So it’s like jam compared to my life.

Everyone is free to dispose of their ass as they please. So I pick mine up and fuck off.

My favorite disease is scabies: I scratch it and want more. And the most hated thing is hemorrhoids: you can’t see it for yourself, you can’t show it to people.

Oh, those obnoxious journalists! Half the lies they spread about me are not true.

- Madam, could you change me a hundred dollars?
- Alas! But thanks for the compliment!

How I envy the brainless!

Loneliness is a condition that you have no one to tell about.

The money is eaten up, but the shame remains.

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.

Why are all women such fools?!

Beautiful people shit too.

The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man gives birth to a single mother. The union of a smart woman and a stupid man gives rise to an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to easy flirting.

Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.

I wish I had her legs - she had lovely legs! It's a shame - now they'll disappear.

- I don’t drink, I don’t smoke anymore and I’ve never cheated on my husband - because I never had one.
- So, does that mean you have no shortcomings at all?
- In general, no. True, I have a big ass and sometimes I lie a little...

It is known that Ranevskaya allowed herself strong expressions, and when she was remarked that there is no word for “ass” in the literary Russian language, she replied - strange, there is no word, but there is an ass...

A fairy tale is when you marry a monster, and he turns out to be a prince, but reality is when it’s the other way around.

A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman’s birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who doesn’t remember a woman’s birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.

The first season in Crimea, I play in Sumbatov’s play the Charming One, who seduces a handsome young man. The action takes place in the Caucasus mountains. I stand on the mountain and say in a disgustingly gentle voice: “My steps are lighter than feathers, I can slide like a snake...” After these words, I managed to knock down the decoration depicting the mountain and hurt my partner painfully. There is laughter in the audience, my partner, moaning, threatens to tear my head off.

— I adore nature.

I don’t get along with everyday life! Money bothers me both when it is not there and when it is there.

It has always been unclear to me that people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.

I feel well, but not well.

My God, a miserable country where a person cannot control his ass.

There are people in whom God lives; There are people in whom the devil lives; And there are people that live only worms.

“The pearls that I will wear in the first act must be real,” demands the capricious young actress.
“Everything will be real,” Ranevskaya reassures her. - That's it: pearls in the first act, and poison in the last.

Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.

Do you know what it's like to act in a movie? Imagine that you are washing in a bathhouse, and they take you on a tour there.

If I, yielding to requests, began to write about myself, it would be a plaintive book - “Fate is a whore”

He will die from the expansion of his imagination.

I hate it when a whore pretends to be innocent!

Don’t have a hundred rubles, but have two breasts!

Faina Ranevskaya was at a friends wedding. When a dove pooped on the groom’s shoulder, she said:
- Here are the newlyweds, the dove is a symbol of the fact that your freedom has flown away and spoiled goodbye.

There are a million fans, but there is no one to go to the pharmacy.

Old age is just disgusting. I believe that it is ignorance of God when he allows people to live to old age. Lord, everyone has already left, but I still live. Birman died too, and I never expected this from her. It’s scary when you’re eighteen inside, when you admire beautiful music, poetry, painting, but it’s time for you, you haven’t managed to do anything, you’re just starting to live!

For a number of reasons, I cannot now answer you in the words you use. But I sincerely hope that when you return home, your mother will jump out of the gateway and bite you properly.

I hate cynicism for its general availability.

My God, how life has slipped by, I have never even heard nightingales sing.

Who would know my loneliness? Damn him, this very talent that made me

The soul is not an ass, it can’t take a shit.

The following entry remains in Ranevskaya’s archive:
“They pester me, ask me to write, write about myself. I refuse. I don’t want to write bad things about myself. Okay - indecent. So, we must remain silent. Besides, I started making mistakes again, and this is shameful. It's like a bug on your shirtfront. I know the most important thing, I know that you have to give and not grab. So I live with this return. Memories are the wealth of old age.”

Today's youth are terrible. But what is even more terrible is that we do not belong to it.

A Russian person doesn’t want to do or think anything on an empty stomach, but on a full stomach he can’t.

Pioneers, go to hell.

This lady can already choose who she wants to impress.

Spelling errors in writing are like a bug on a white blouse.

My life is terribly sad... and you want me to stick a lilac bush in my ass and do a striptease in front of you!

If a person has done EVIL to you - you give him candy, he is EVIL to you - you give him candy... And so on until this creature develops diabetes mellitus.

If I often looked into Gioconda’s eyes, I would go crazy: she knows everything about me, but I know nothing about her.

The blind man to whom you gave the coin is not covered, he really does not see.
- Why did you decide so?
“He told you: “Thank you, beauty!” »

- How is life, Faina Georgievna?
“I told you last year that it’s shit.” But then it was marzipan.

The woman is, of course, smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

To gain recognition one must, even must, die.

Radio Committee employee N. constantly experienced drama because of her love relationship with a colleague, whose name was Sima: either she cried because of another quarrel, then he left her, or she had an abortion from him. Ranevskaya called her “HeraSima’s victim.”

Looking at the hole in her skirt: “Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty!”

- Where would you like to go, Faina Georgievna - heaven or hell?
- Of course, heaven is preferable because of the climate, but I would have more fun in hell - because of the company.

Is my shallow thought clear?

To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - She habitually answered: “No, I just look like that.”

Perpetum male. (About director Z.)

Honey, if you want to lose weight, eat naked and in front of a mirror.

It's been a long time since anyone told me that I'm a whore. I'm losing popularity.

Faina Georgievna returned home pale as death and said that she had taken a taxi from the theater.
“I immediately realized that he was a reckless driver. How he maneuvered between cars, dodged trucks, and slipped right in front of passers-by! But I really got scared only later. When we arrived, he took out a magnifying glass to look at the meter!

From the beginning of their days to their end, men are drawn to boobs.

There are people whom you just want to approach and ask if it’s difficult to live without a brain.

Many people complain about their appearance, but no one complains about their brains.

Teach me to smoke nervously and aristocratically, squinting and breaking the curves of my fingers on leather chairs and sofas, to confuse silk curtains with smoke, and perhaps I will be able to beautifully confess my love to you, in poetry and incredibly beautiful words, without spelling errors. In the meantime, excuse me... but I want to fuck you right here on the floor.

Mossovet artist Nikolai Afonin lived next to Ranevskaya. He had a hunchbacked “Zaporozhets”, and sometimes Afonin gave Faina Georgievna a ride home from the theater. Somehow three people squeezed into his Zaporozhets from behind, and Ranevskaya sat in front, next to Afonin. Approaching her house, she asked:
— K-Kolechka, how much does your car cost?
Afonin said:
- Two thousand two hundred rubles, Faina Georgievna.
“What *** on the part of the government,” Ranevskaya concluded gloomily, getting out of the hunchbacked apparatus.

- Fufa, why do you always come to the window when I start singing?
“I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m hitting you!”

I can't eat meat. It walked, loved, looked... Maybe I'm a psychopath? No, I consider myself a normal psychopath. But I can't eat meat. I keep meat for people.

- Nothing but despair from the inability to change anything in my destiny.

You know,” Ranevskaya recalled half a century later, “when I saw this bald man on an armored car, I realized: big troubles awaited us.

- Nonna, what, did artist N. die?
- Died.
- Well, I see he’s lying in a coffin...

Ranevskaya forgot the name of the actress with whom she was supposed to play on stage:
- Well, this one, what’s her name... So broad-shouldered in the back...

Ranevskaya sometimes invited close friends who visited her to look at the picture she painted. And showed me a blank sheet.
- And what is depicted here? - the audience is interested.
- Don't you see? This is the passage of the Jews through the Red Sea.
- And where is the sea here?
- It's already behind us.
-Where are the Jews?
- They have already crossed the sea.
-Where are the Egyptians then?
- But they will appear soon! Wait!

Life is too short to waste it on diets, greedy men and bad moods.

All my life I have been terribly afraid of stupid people. Especially women. You never know how to talk to them without sinking to their level.

Women die later than men because they are always late.

“I’m very sorry, Faina Georgievna, that you weren’t at the premiere of my new play,” Victor Rozov boasted to Ranevskaya. “The people at the cash registers staged a complete massacre!”
- And How? Did they manage to get the money back?

A man walks into a store on Taganka and asks:
- I would like some gloves...
- Which ones do you want? Leather, suede, wool?
- Leather ones for me.
- Do you want light or dark?
- Black.
- Under a coat or under a raincoat?
- Under the cloak.
- Okay... Please bring us your raincoat, and we will select gloves of the right color and style.
Ranevskaya stands nearby and listens to all this. Then he leans towards the man and in a theatrical whisper, so that the entire trading floor can hear, says:
- Don't believe it, young man! I’ve already brought the toilet to them and showed them my ass, but there’s still no toilet paper!

I am Stanislavsky's miscarriage!

The companion of fame is loneliness.

Once Ranevskaya was stopped at the Actor’s House by a poet who holds a leading position in the Writers’ Union.
— Hello, Faina Georgievna! How are you doing?
- It’s very good that you asked. At least someone is interested in how I live! Let's step aside and I'll be happy to tell you about everything.
- No, no, sorry, but I'm in a hurry. You know, I still have to go to a meeting...
- But you are interested in how I live! Why are you running away right away, listen up. Moreover, I will not detain you for long, about forty minutes, no more.
The leading poet began to flee.
- Why then ask how I live?! - Ranevskaya shouted after him.

The cinema is a tramp establishment.

No one except dead leaders wants to tolerate my breasts dangling idly.

“When you get married, Alyoshenka, then you will understand what happiness is.”
- Yes?
- Yes. But it will be too late.

- Why are your eyes sore, Faina Georgievna?
“Yesterday I went to the premiere, and an unusually large woman sat in front of me. I had to watch the entire performance through the earring hole in her ear.

If a person is smart and honest, then he is non-partisan.
If he is smart and a party member, then he is dishonest.
If he is honest and a party member, then he is a fool.

Ranevskaya told one lady that she was still young and looked great.
“I can’t return you the same compliment,” she answered boldly.
- And you, like me, would lie! — advised Faina Georgievna.

85 years with diabetes is not sugar.

I'm tired of pretending to be healthy.

I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!” —What is the difference between smart and wise? - they asked Ranevskaya.
“A smart man knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but a wise man never gets into one.”

Ranevskaya once dined with a lady who was so thrifty that Faina Georgievna got up from the table completely hungry. The hostess kindly told her:
“I ask you to come and dine with me some other time.”
“With pleasure,” answered Ranevskaya, “even now!”

For many years, boys on the street shouted to me: “Mulya, don’t make me nervous!” Well-dressed, perfumed ladies held out their hands with a small bow and neatly pursed lips; instead of introducing themselves, they whispered: “Mulya, don’t make me nervous!” The statesmen came forward and, showing love and respect for art, said kindly: “Mulya, don’t make me nervous!” I'm not Mulya. I'm an old actress and I don't want to make anyone nervous. It's hard for me to see people.

- How can a person who has suffered a misfortune console himself?
- An intelligent person will be consoled when he realizes the inevitability of what happened. The fool is consoled by the fact that the same thing will happen to others.

—Who was your mother before marriage? — the persistent interviewer asked Ranevskaya.
“I didn’t have a mother before her marriage,” Faina Georgievna stopped further questions.

I don't know how to express strong feelings, although I can express myself strongly.

In old age, the main thing is a sense of dignity, and I was deprived of it.

A woman must have two qualities to succeed in life. She must be smart enough to please stupid men, and stupid enough to please smart men.

I am amused by people’s excitement over trifles; I was just as stupid myself.
Now, before the finish line, I understand clearly that everything is empty.
All you need is kindness and compassion.

In the hospital, seeing that Ranevskaya was reading Cicero, the doctor remarked:
“You don’t often see a woman reading Cicero.”
“And you don’t often see a man reading Cicero,” Faina Georgievna retorted.

- Serve the lady's mouth!

Explaining to someone why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:
- Because white color makes you look fat.

- Faina Georgievna, are you sick again? What is your temperature?
— Normal, room, plus eighteen degrees

If a woman tells a man that he is the smartest, it means she understands that she will not find another such fool.

Can't figure out if you like a young man? Spend the evening with him. When you return home, undress. Throw your panties up to the ceiling. Stuck? So I like it.

The older generation always scolds the youth:
- she, they say, has completely deteriorated, has become frivolous, does not respect her elders, has no king in her head, only thinks about fun...
Hearing such an old man’s conversation, Ranevskaya said with a sigh:
“The worst thing about youth is that we ourselves no longer belong to them and cannot do all this stupidity...

A young man and a girl are sitting on a bench. The young man is very shy. The girl wants him to kiss her, and she says:
- Oh, my cheek hurts.
The young man kisses her on the cheek:
- Well, does it hurt now?
- No, it doesn’t hurt.
Over time:
- Oh, my neck hurts.
He kisses her on the neck:
- Well, does it hurt?
- No, it doesn’t hurt.
Ranevskaya sits nearby and asks:
- Young man, don’t you treat hemorrhoids?!

One day Ranevskaya slipped on the street and fell. An unfamiliar man was walking towards her.
- Pick me up! - asked Ranevskaya. - People's artists do not lie on the road...

Look, Faina Georgievna! There's a fly swimming in your beer!
- Just one, darling. Well, how much can she drink?!

To stay thin, a woman needs to eat in front of a mirror and naked...

Loneliness as a condition cannot be treated.

Everything will come true, you just have to stop wanting...

There are no fat women, only small clothes.

People are like candles: they either burn or fuck them.

Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live forever.

A fan asks for Ranevskaya’s home phone number. She:

- Honey, how do I know him? I never call myself!

I, like eggs, participate, but do not enter.

“I was at the theater yesterday,” Ranevskaya said. “The actors played so badly, especially Desdemona, that when Othello strangled her, the audience applauded for a very long time.

I, by virtue of the talent given to me, squeaked like a mosquito.

I hate you. Wherever I go, everyone looks around and says: “Look, it’s Mulya, don’t make me nervous, she’s coming” (From a conversation with Agnia Barto)

- Yesterday I was visiting N. And I sang for them for two hours...
- Serves them right! I can't stand them either!

I spoke for a long time and unconvincingly, as if I was talking about the friendship of peoples.

I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it.

I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.

I don't recognize the word "play". You can play cards, horse races, checkers. You need to live on stage.

- I don’t drink, I don’t smoke anymore and I’ve never cheated on my husband - because I never had one. - So, does that mean you don’t have any shortcomings at all? - In general, no. True, I have a big ass and sometimes I lie a little...

— I adore nature.
“And this after what she did to you?”

I'm a provincial actress. Wherever I served! Only in the city of Vezdesransk she didn’t serve!..

I now understand why condoms are white! They say white makes you look fat...

This lady can already choose who she wants to impress. (To the opinion expressed: “The Sistine Madonna does not impress me.”)

This is not a theater, but a country toilet. I go to the theater today the same way I went to have an abortion in my youth, and to pull teeth in my old age. You know, it’s as if Stanislavsky had never been born. They wonder why I play differently every time.

What I do? I feign health.

This is the fourth time I’ve watched this film and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.

To help us see how much we are overeating, our stomach is located on the same side as our eyes.

I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.

She doesn't have a face, but a hoof.

This actress's ass hangs and dangles like a hussar's bag.

Having learned that her friends were going to the theater today to see her on stage, Ranevskaya tried to dissuade them: “You shouldn’t go: the play is boring and the production is weak... But since you’re going anyway, I advise you to leave after the second act.” - Why after the second? — After the first one there was a very big crowd in the wardrobe.

Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.

Such an ass is called a “playing ass” (about a passing lady), “And with such an ass you should stay at home!” (about another).

Talent is like a wart - either it is there or it is not.

Talent is self-doubt and painful dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s shortcomings, which I have never encountered in mediocrity.

Tolstoy said that there is no death, but there is love and memory of the heart. The memory of the heart is so painful, it would be better if it did not exist... It would be better to kill the memory forever.

The blind man to whom you gave the coin is not covered, he really does not see. - Why did you decide so? - He told you: “Thank you, beauty!”

...I'm sick of the theater. Country toilet. It's a shame to end your life in a toilet.

Now, when a person is embarrassed to say that he does not want to die, he says this: he really wants to survive in order to see what happens next. As if, if not for this, he would immediately be ready to lie down in a coffin.

Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.

The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.

Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.

It's hard to be a genius among boogers.

Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.

The union of a stupid man and a stupid woman gives birth to a heroine mother. The union of a stupid woman and a smart man gives birth to a single mother.

The union of a smart woman and a stupid man gives rise to an ordinary family. The union of a smart man and a smart woman gives rise to light flirting.

The companion of fame is loneliness.

Growing old is boring, but it's the only way to live long.

Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.

Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.

Old age is just disgusting. I believe that it is ignorance of God when he allows people to live to old age. Lord, everyone has already left, but I still live. Birman died too, and I never expected this from her.

My life is terribly sad. And you want me to stick a lilac bush in my ass and do a striptease in front of you.

It’s scary when you’re eighteen inside, when you admire beautiful music, poetry, painting, but it’s time for you, you haven’t managed to do anything, you’re just starting to live! (late 70s)

A person’s passport is his misfortune, because a person should always be eighteen, and a passport only reminds you that you can live like an eighteen-year-old.
About director Z.: “Perpetum Male.”
(When she was surrounded by a crowd of children with joyful exclamations: “Mulya! Mulya!”) Pioneers, go to hell.
(When the Timur pioneers came to her home to help her like an elderly person) Pioneers, join hands and go to hell!

Pipi on the tram - everything he did in art!

Eating alone is as unnatural as shitting together!

I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”

After the performance, Ranevskaya often looked at the flowers, the basket with letters, postcards and notes full of admiration - offerings from fans of her play - and sadly remarked: - There is so much love, but there is no one to go to the pharmacy.

— Why do women devote so much time and money to their appearance, and not to the development of their intellect?

- Because there are much fewer blind men than smart ones.

Why are all women such fools?

Damn nineteenth century, damned upbringing: I can’t stand when men are sitting.

Birds fight like actresses over roles. I saw how the sparrow clearly said barbs to another, tiny and weak one, and as a result poked him in the head with his beak. Everything is like people.

Let this be a small gossip that must disappear between us.

Everyone is free to dispose of their ass as they please. So I pick mine up and fuck off. (At a party meeting in the Mossovet Theater, at which the non-Marxist behavior of one eminent actor accused of homosexuality was discussed.)

Faina has always been self-critical, she has a famous saying: “Talent is self-doubt and painful dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s shortcomings, which I have never encountered in mediocrity.” Artistic councils and commissions, in the presence of which one had to play, were commonplace at that time, when instead of an audience loving the artist, the “arbiters of destinies” looked at him. Often, after such performances, the artist was “under pressure,” but not Ranevskaya: “I play badly, the Stalin Prize committee is watching. It's a disgusting exam feeling."

Ranevskaya was very afraid that she might be asked to cooperate with the KGB - this was common at that time. One of her acquaintances advised, if such a proposal were made, to say that she screamed in her sleep. Then she will not be suitable for cooperation and the offer will be withdrawn. Once, when Faina Georgievna was working at the Mossovet Theater, the party organizer of the theater approached her with an offer to join the party. “Oh, what are you talking about, my dear! I can’t: I scream in my sleep!” - Ranevskaya exclaimed. Whether she was lying or really mixed up these departments, one can only guess.

Ranevskaya experienced the tragic death of Solomon Mikhoels, they were connected by sincere friendship. In her memoirs, the actress describes one dialogue in which, with her characteristic humor, she told Mikhoels: “There are people in whom God lives, there are people in whom the devil lives, and there are people in whom only worms live. God lives in you!” To which the director replied: “If God lives in me, then He was exiled into me.” (January 14, 1948).

— How is your life, Faina Georgievna?

“I told you last year that it’s shit.” But then it was marzipan.

How I envy the brainless!

The cinema is a tramp establishment.

When I don't get a role, I feel like a pianist whose hands were cut off.

When a jumper's legs hurt, she jumps while sitting.

When I die, bury me and write on the monument: “Died of disgust.”

Beautiful people shit too.

Critiques are Amazons in menopause.

Who would know my loneliness? Damn him, this very talent that made me unhappy...

When Faina Georgievna was asked which women, in her opinion, are prone to greater fidelity - brunettes or blondes, she answered without hesitation: “Grey hair!”

The pearls that I will wear in the first act must be real,” demands the capricious young actress. “Everything will be real,” Ranevskaya reassures her. - That's it: pearls in the first act, and poison in the last.

Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?

Filmography of Faina Ranevskaya:

1934 - Puffy - Madame Loiseau
1937 - Thought about the Cossack Golota - Popadya
1939 — Cochin engineer’s mistake — Ida Gurevich, tailor’s wife
1939 — Foundling — Lyalya
1939 — The man in the case is the wife of the school inspector
1940 — Favorite girl — Manya, Dobryakova’s aunt
1941 — Dream — Rosa Skorokhod
1941 — How Ivan Ivanovich quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich — Gorpina
1942 - Alexander Parkhomenko - pianist
1943 — New adventures of Schweik (“A Soldier’s Tale”) — Aunt Adele
1943 — Three Guardsmen (“Native Shores”) — Sofya Ivanovna, director of the museum
1944 — Wedding — Nastasya Timofeevna, mother of the bride
1945 - Heavenly Slug - Professor of Medicine
1945 - Elephant and string - grandmother
1947 — Spring — Margarita Lvovna
1947 — Cinderella — Stepmother
1947 - Private Alexander Matrosov - military doctor
1949 - Meeting on the Elbe - Mrs. McDermot
1949 - They have a homeland - Frau Wurst
1958 — Girl with a guitar — Zoya Pavlovna Sviristinskaya
1960 - Be careful, grandma! - grandmother
1960 — Drama (short film) — Murashkina
1963 - So it will be (television play)
1964 — Easy life — Margarita Ivanovna, “Queen Margot”
1964 — Wick No. 25 — Fortune teller in the plot “Cards Don’t Lie”
1964 — Wick No. 33 — citizen Piskunova in the story “I won’t go”
1965 — The first visitor is an old lady
1966 - Today - a new attraction - circus director
1978 - Next - silence (film-play) - Lucy Cooper
1980 — Comedy of days gone by

Animals, which are few in number, are included in the Red Book, and those that are numerous are included in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.

My life... I lived around, everything didn’t work out. Like the redhead at the carpet.

Life goes by without bowing like an angry neighbor.

Life is a long leap from pussy to grave.

Life is a short walk before eternal sleep.

You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.

Doesn't it bother you that I smoke? — When the theater administrator saw her completely naked in the dressing room.

In my old head there are two, at most three, thoughts, but at times they create such a fuss that it seems like there are thousands of them.

In Moscow, you can go out into the street dressed as God willing, and no one will pay attention. In Odessa, my cotton dresses cause widespread confusion - this is discussed in hairdressing salons, dental clinics, trams, and private homes. Everyone is upset by my monstrous “stinginess”

- because no one believes in poverty. (1949)

For a number of reasons, I cannot now answer you in the words you use. But I sincerely hope that when you return home, your mother will jump out of the gateway and bite you properly. - in response to a passing young man who pushed Ranevskaya on the street and cursed

Roles in the theater
1936 — “Vassa Zheleznova” by M. Gorky — Vassa
1945 — "Chantelles" by Lillian Helman - Birdie
1951 - “Storm” by V. N. Bill-Belotserkovsky - Manka the Speculator
1958 — “Trees Die Standing” by A. Kason — Grandmother
1966 — “The Weird Mrs. Savage” by J. Patrick - Ethel Savage
1969 — “Then - silence” by Vina Delmar. Director: Anatoly Efros - Lucy Cooper
1980 - “Truth is good, but happiness is better” by A. N. Ostrovsky - Filitsat

In the theater the talented people loved me, the untalented people hated me, the mongrels bit me and tore me to pieces.

— Have you ever been told that you look like Brigitte Bardot?
- No never.
- And it’s right that they didn’t say so.

Faina Ranevskaya - quotes, phrases, statements for status.

Memories are the riches of old age.

I've been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.

The brain, the ass and the pill have a soul mate. And I was initially whole.

- You are still young and look great.
- I cannot return you the same compliment!
- And you, like me, would lie!

Fain Georgievna (Grigoryevna) Ranevskaya (nee Fain Girshevna Feraldman; August 15 (27), 1896, Taganrog - July 19, 1984, Moscow) - Soviet theater and cinema actress, People's Artist of the USSR (1961), three times the laureate of the Stalin Prize (1949, 1951. 1951).

If a woman walks with her head down, she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman holds her head straight, she has a lover! And in general - if a woman has a head, then she has a lover!
***
This lady can already choose who she wants to impress.
***

God created women beautiful so that men could love them, and stupid so that they could love men.
***
Women, of course, are smarter. Have you ever heard of a woman who would lose her head just because a man has beautiful legs?
***

About the director Z.: Perpetum male.
***
What I do? I feign health.
***
- Faina Georgievna, how are you?
- Do you know, my dear, what shit is? So this is it compared to my life? jam.
***
On an empty stomach, a Russian person does not want to do or think anything, but on a full stomach, he cannot.
***
Animals, which are few in number, are included in the Red Book, and those that are numerous are included in the Book of Tasty and Healthy Food.
***
I’m like an old palm tree at a train station - no one needs it, but it’s a shame to throw it away.
***

To the question: “Are you sick, Faina Georgievna?” - she habitually answered: “No, I just look like that.”
***
“I’ve been swimming in the toilet butterfly style my whole life.”
***
My life... I lived around, everything didn’t work out. Like the redhead at the carpet.
***
The companion of glory is loneliness.
***
He will die from the expansion of his fantasy.
***

Critiques are Amazons in menopause.
***
The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.
***
I spoke for a long time and unconvincingly, as if I was talking about the friendship of peoples.
***
I feel well, but not well.
***
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten.
***
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless.
***

Family replaces everything. Therefore, before you get one, you should think about what is more important to you: everything or family.
***
Let this be a small gossip that must disappear between us.
***
I don't see faces, but personal insults.
***
Old age is a time when the candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half the urine goes for testing.
***
Starring in a bad movie is like spitting into eternity.
***
I’m watching this film for the fourth time and I must tell you that today the actors played like never before.
***
Success is the only unforgivable sin towards your loved one.
***
I lived with many theaters, but never enjoyed it
***

I receive letters: “Help me become an actor.” I answer: “God will help!”
***
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day.
***
Old age is when it is not bad dreams that bother you, but bad reality.
***
A real man is a man who remembers exactly a woman's birthday and never knows how old she is. A man who never remembers a woman's birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, is her husband.
***
It has always been unclear to me - people are ashamed of poverty and not ashamed of wealth.
***

You have to live in such a way that even the bastards remember you.
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I was smart enough to live my life stupidly.
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Is my shallow thought clear?
***
Explaining to someone why the condom is white, Ranevskaya said:
- Because white color makes you look fat.
***

The great Russian actress Alexandra Yablochkina remained a maiden until old age. Once she asked Ranevskaya how they actually make love. After Ranevskaya’s detailed story, Yablochkina exclaimed:
- God! And all this without anesthesia!!!
***
“Faina,” asks her old friend, “do you think medicine is making progress?”
- But what about it? When I was young, I had to take off my clothes every time I visited the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue.
***
One day Ranevskaya demanded that Tanya Shcheglova, an engineer by profession, explain to her why iron ships do not sink. Tanya tried to remind Ranevskaya of Archimedes’ law.
“What are you talking about, dear, I got a bad grade,” Faina Georgievna complained detachedly.
- Why, when you sit in the bath, the water is forced out and pours onto the floor? - Tanya pressed.
“Because I have a big ass,” Ranevskaya answered sadly.
***

Why, Faina Georgievna, don’t you put your signature on this play? You almost rewrote it for the author!
- And that suits me. I play the role of eggs: I participate, but do not enter.
***
The fabric on Ranevskaya’s skirt had become thinner from long wear. Faina Georgievna, rather with pleasure than with regret, states, looking at the hole: “Nothing can hold back the pressure of beauty!”
***
Our people are the most gifted, kind and conscientious. But almost somehow it turns out that we are constantly, eighty percent, surrounded by idiots, scammers and creepy ladies without dogs. Trouble!" (From a notebook.)
***

Ranevskaya once said that according to the results of a study conducted among two thousand modern women, it turned out that twenty percent, i.e. every fifth person does not wear panties.
- For goodness sake, Faina Georgievna, where could they have printed this here?
- Nowhere. I received the data personally from a salesperson in a shoe store.
***
—What is the difference between smart and wise? - they asked Ranevskaya.
- A smart man knows how to get out of a difficult situation, but a wise man never gets into one.
***

Ranevskaya was asked:
- How can a person who has suffered a misfortune console himself?
- An intelligent person will be consoled when he realizes the inevitability of what happened. The fool is consoled by the fact that the same thing will happen to others.
***
- A woman, in order to succeed in life, must have two qualities. “She must be smart enough to please stupid men, and stupid enough to please smart men,” Ranevskaya said.
***

Once Ranevskaya was asked:
- Why are beautiful women more successful than smart women?
- This is obvious - after all, there are very few blind men, and stupid ones are a dime a dozen.
***
- And you know, I don’t like flowers. Trees are thinkers, and flowers are cocottes.
***
The boy said: “I’m angry with Pushkin, the nanny told him fairy tales, but he wrote them down and passed them off as his own.”
"Lovely!" - Ranevskaya relayed what she heard. After a deep sigh, the continuation followed:
“But I’m afraid the boy is still a complete idiot.”
***
It remains unclear whether this was a slip or a joke:
- Why are all women such fools?
***

How many times does a woman blush in her life?
-- Four times: on the wedding night, when you cheat on your husband for the first time, when you take money for the first time, when you give money for the first time.
- And the man?
- Twice: the first time - when the second cannot, the second - when the first cannot.
***
“Today I killed five flies,” said Ranevskaya. - Two males and three females.
- How did you determine this?
— Two were sitting on a beer bottle, and three were on a mirror.
***

In the presence of Ranevskaya one day there was a conversation about modern youth
“You’re right,” noted Faina Georgievna, “today’s youth are terrible.” But what is even more terrible is that we do not belong to it.
***
“Either I’m getting old and stupid, or the youth of today don’t look like anything!” - Ranevskaya complained. Previously, I simply didn’t know how to answer their questions, but now I don’t even understand what they are asking.
***
“A Russian person doesn’t want to do or think anything on an empty stomach, but on a full stomach he can’t.”
***

Ranevskaya loved to repeat: one should, if possible, eliminate from life everything for which money is needed. But with annoyance she added Balzac’s aphorism: “You need money, even to get along without it.”
***
- Why do you play for money?
- You can play for money in three cases: if you have the ability and money, if there is no money, but you have the ability, and if you have no ability, but you have money.
***
“Nature has very carefully thought out the structure of our body,” Ranevskaya once remarked philosophically. - So that we can see how much we overeat, our stomach is located on the same side of the body as our eyes.
***
— Faina Georgievna, do you think that sitting in the toilet is mental or physical work?
- Of course, mental. If it was a physical job, I would hire a person.
***

Oleg Dal said:
- The scene is being filmed on location. In an open field. Ranevskaya’s stomach is not good. She retires to a green house somewhere on the horizon. No and no, no and no. They send the dead man several times: has something happened? Ranevskaya responds, reassures, says that she is alive, and again she is not there and not.
Finally she appears and majestically says: “Lord! Who would have thought that there was so much shit in a person!”
***
After the evening reading, the ersatz grandson asked Ranevskaya:
- How did Little Red Riding Hood find out that it was not her grandmother who was lying on the bed, but a gray wolf?
- Yes, it’s very simple: the granddaughter counted the legs - the wolf has four legs, and the grandmother only two. You see, Leshenka, how important it is to know arithmetic!
***
Once, when Ranevskaya was still living in the same apartment with the Wulfs, and little Alyosha was capricious at night and would not fall asleep, Pavel Leontyevna suggested:
- Maybe I should sing something to him?
“Well, why do it right away,” Ranevskaya objected. - Let's try again in a good way.
***
- Fufa! - Ranevskaya’s ersatz grandson wakes him up. - It seems to me that a mouse is squeaking somewhere...
- Well, what do you want from me? So I can go lubricate it?
***
Ranevskaya explains to her grandson how a fairy tale differs from a fairy tale:
- The fairy tale is when he married a frog, and she turned out to be a princess. But reality is when it’s the other way around.
***
“When you get married, Alyoshenka, then you will understand what happiness is.”
-Yes?
-- Yes. But it will be too late.
***
The ersatz grandson asks Fufa:
- Why are you always drinking something from a bottle, and then squealing “pee-pee-pee”
“This is medicine,” Ranevskaya answers. Can you read? Then read: “Take after meals.”