What do they write in condolences regarding death? Condolences on death in writing

Condolence is one of those cultural traditions that is a testament to the humanism and spirituality that dominates a society.

Condolences

The culture of expressing words of condolences regarding death appeared much later than funeral rituals, funeral feasts or wakes. Researchers of memorial art attribute the emergence of the habit of expressing condolences in poetry to the Renaissance. At first, kings, nobles and successful merchants ordered odes of praise addressed to them from poets. After their death, relatives asked the same authors to write poetic condolences on the death of the patron.

Photo of words of condolences

Over time, many artists found it possible to write condolences for free, feeding only on inspiration. The words of condolences written “for the death of the poet” by Lermontov, Belinsky, and Bulgakov are well known. Almost all of them became independent literary works that received fame and recognition.

Modern condolences written for public figures can become the subject of careful analysis by society, so the authors of such written or oral statements bear a huge responsibility.

Condolence poems for death

Condolence poems for a death make a huge impression on people attending a funeral, memorial service or wake. To get effective poems of condolences and grief, a relative or friend of the deceased should contact a poet who specializes in memorial texts. This is due to the fact that words of condolences about death, expressed in poetic form, require special tact and moderation, which neophytes in the matter of versification cannot always withstand.

The same applies to the ability to express condolences in prose. If a person does not bear the surname Merimee, Maupassant or Coelho, then it will be quite difficult for him to write a work that corresponds to the canons of the genre. True, relatives and friends of the deceased have some advantages over a qualified author who writes poetry of condolences about death - they know the biography and positive aspects of the person who left this world much better. In addition, before ordering a text of condolences, the relatives of the deceased will need to provide the author with data about the object of the words of condolences in prose.

Photos of condolences in prose

Condolences on death

For those who nevertheless decided to write their own condolences about death, we have prepared the following recommendations.

• The text of condolences regarding a death is less formal than an obituary. In some cases this may be absolutely literary work. The person to whom it is dedicated can only be recognized by characteristic features, written in the original death condolence. Such works are most often composed by creative people - artists, poets, painters, for their fellow artists.
• But, if condolences in connection with the death are expressed by colleagues, subordinates, superiors of a civil servant who died in the line of duty, then the text should be as official as possible, similar to an obituary.
• How to write a condolence message? The official text of the memorial work indicates who expresses sympathy (colleagues, employees of the PRC, military personnel of the 96th regiment), for what reason (in connection with death, death) and to whose address it is directed (children, parents, spouse).
• Regardless of the nature and form of the text, the author must express sincere condolences, choosing the most humane words for this.

Photo of words of condolences on death

Before expressing condolences, a person should say goodbye to the deceased, and only then express his verbal sympathy to relatives and friends. In some cases, mourning texts are published in local and specialized press related to professional activity deceased.

People can write obituaries to our newspaper. Question: Is it possible to use the word "condolence" in the plural? For example, the management and trade union committee of the enterprise express sincere condolences regarding the death of an employee. And also to this topic: is it possible to use the phrase “in connection with the passing of life”?

Combination express sincere condolences with form plural absolutely correct.

Combination due to death correct, but an excuse in connection with better to replace.

Good afternoon.

“I offer my deepest condolences to the families and friends of the victims.”
Is it possible to use the verb “bring” in relation to “condolences”? Or is it better to express it?

Answer help desk Russian language

Both options are possible.

I express my condolences for K. - is this correct?

Russian help desk response

Right: condolences about something, about something. Condolences for someone- incorrect.

Hello! How to correctly write in an obituary: “the team expresses deep condolences or deep condolences to someone”? Thank you for your reply!

Russian help desk response

Usually the plural form is used. numbers: deep condolences.

Hello. First of all, I want to express my condolences about how the Russian language is being mocked on television and radio. If I, an old poor student, am offended by the statements of some speakers, then what are the experts of the Russian language worried about?! This is especially true for numerals. One could understand and forgive such a speech to the “new Russians,” but when a television announcer says “in 2006,” this is clearly too much.
Now the question. Recently I heard a report on the radio that a manufacturer of dairy products contaminated with melamine, who managed to produce “about six hundred tons of products,” was arrested in China. I think "about six hundred tons" would be correct.

Russian help desk response

You're right. Should speak and write about six hundred tons.

Good afternoon. I would like to know in what cases can a person express condolences? Can it be considered correct for a son, whose mother has just undergone surgery, and successfully, to express his condolences regarding this fact? Or would it be inappropriate? Thanks in advance for your answer. Tatiana

Russian help desk response

We don’t consider this appropriate, since condolences are sympathy for someone’s grief, misfortune, or suffering.

Hello! Please tell me in what context it is appropriate to use the combination “to express condolences”? Is it permissible to express condolences to the relatives of a living but seriously ill person? Or are condolences expressed only in connection with death? Thanks in advance for your answer.

Russian help desk response

Yes, this usage is correct.

Please tell me if the composition of the words is correct in Russian - “condolences on the death” - otherwise I’m confused in the languages. Thank you for your answer, Kira

Russian help desk response

It is better to use the plural form: _condolences on the death_.

Which is correct: - “I express my condolences to Andrey and Sergey Levon” or - “I express my condolences to Andrey and Sergey Levon”?

Russian help desk response

The first option is correct.

When a loved one dies, those around them rush to express their regret to his relatives. But how to properly show your gratitude to them and respond to condolences, because the word “thank you” is not very appropriate now?

Mourning etiquette

If a person dies in your family, it is a time of difficult worries. First of all, you will have to inform everyone about the incident. This is not easy to do, but it is necessary.

According to mourning etiquette, you need to notify all your acquaintances, even if they are far away and even those whom you personally do not like, but may have had a good relationship with the deceased.

For those who live nearby, it is better to inform them when you meet, but it is impossible to get around everyone, there is an option to send messages by e-mail or SMS, but this is not very polite, and what if the person does not receive them. Therefore, it is better to call in person and say at least a few words. And also be sure to tell us where and when the funeral will be, leave your contact information so that people can clarify the information.

It turns out that you are in grief and you have to do a lot of things: communicate, run around shops and funeral homes. Nothing can be done, gather your will into a fist. Now this is the best thing you can do for the deceased - to see him off with dignity on his last journey.

People will come to the ceremony, some you don’t even know, they will want to express words of sympathy, think about how to react to them.

How to respond to condolences regarding a death?

There are no special rules on this topic; it is often difficult to find words in such situations. You can remain silent in response or simply nod, rest assured, everyone will understand your condition.

Or use template phrases:

• "Thank you";
• "You are very attentive";
• “I try not to lose heart, thanks to you it’s easier for me.”

Everyone has different characters, some want to spend these minutes alone, while others, on the contrary, are uncomfortable being left alone with their own thoughts. If you belong to the first category of people, don’t be shy.

Of course, you will have to worry about organizing the funeral, welcoming guests, everyone will be interested in knowing the details of what happened, especially when the death was unexpected.

But this does not mean that you should now talk a lot and listen to the lamentations of some aunt from a distant province. Accept her support and go about your business. Even if she is a little surprised by this behavior, it’s okay, explain later.

When you come to a funeral...

The opposite situation - you are paying a condolence visit, how to behave correctly? Remember some simple rules:

1. Do not dress flashily and brightly; dark colors are appropriate now: women in long skirts, men in suits;
2. Bring napkins or a handkerchief so you can wipe away your tears when your feelings become overwhelming. Or maybe someone present will need the supplies;
3. Remove large jewelry and leave large bags at home;
4. Have a conversation, but keep silence;
5. And don’t follow the coffin, let your relatives go ahead.

Do you understand that you need to approach your loved ones and communicate, show your participation, but you don’t know what words to use when expressing condolences? Take simple phrases:

• « It’s difficult for me to find the right words of consolation, but I sincerely sympathize with your grief»;
• « I'm deeply shocked by what happened, hang in there…»;
• « Let me offer you my condolences».

If you are far away at the time of the funeral, it’s okay; it is believed that you can communicate with your family at another time. This will not look like a belated reaction, on the contrary, you came as soon as you could, which means you remember and worry.

How should you respond to condolences about death?

Work colleagues, friends and acquaintances will begin to offer financial assistance or any other kind: transportation, a room for a funeral - whoever can.

It should be accepted - this is normal, you will agree that it is not superfluous. The main thing is not to bow out in gratitude and do not shower yourself with compliments, thank calmly. In this situation, you would have done the same.

And I would also like to warn you - the modern funeral industry works very quickly and with pressure. You will be surprised, but sometimes, without having time to send the deceased to the morgue, people answer phone calls from funeral agencies who are in a hurry to express sympathy and offer services.

Take your time to take advantage of these offers, come to your senses first. The prices and capabilities of funeral companies are very different. In a couple of hours, when your thoughts have recovered a little, you will be able to more adequately evaluate the price list. Talk to your friends, they may offer advice or be able to help with transportation and other matters.

Funeral meal

After the burial, it is customary to invite people to the wake; everyone comes. Christians traditionally serve pancakes and kutya (a dish with wheat, nuts and raisins).

At the wake, those who wish to speak about the deceased, but it is not customary to say bad things; it is better to remain silent. What can you tell those present and how?

• It is better to perform standing;
• Start with the address: “Friends”, “Dear relatives”;
• Introduce yourself, tell us how you know the deceased;
• List his positive qualities. Even if you think that there were not many of them, negative ones can be presented with reverse side: grumpy- was critical of life, silly- trusting, stubborn- principled;
• Can you remember interesting cases from life. Sometimes people read corresponding poems, their own or the author's.

The main thing is not to delay the speech, there are others who want to, and this is not the case. Draw conclusions that the person did not live in vain, offer words of condolences, and give way to the next one.

The death of a loved one is always a difficult event, but you have to take care of business, organize the funeral process - you have to pull yourself together. To make it a little easier for you to think of how to respond to condolences, use the phrase templates that we have offered you.

The main thing is to remember - life goes on, good memory about a deceased person can become his reward for everything he did.

Video: how to express condolences correctly?

In this video, Islam Abaev will tell you how best to express condolences regarding the death:

Condolences on the occasion of death are an expression of involvement in the grief that befalls people - death loved one. At such moments, those closest to you simply need support and participation. They are expressed through words, spoken or written, and through actions, which is the most sincere form of empathy.

Verbal condolences - samples

• I loved him/her (name). Sorry!
• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It's very hard to lose someone like that. dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright person the one we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

The main thing is sincerity!

Speaking about etiquette, it should be noted that words of condolences to the relatives of the deceased should be filled with sincerity. You can say a lot of pompous phrases with a cold heart, simply because this is required by the standards of decency, or you can say a few words from the bottom of your heart and these words will be a balm for the soul of the closest people of the deceased.

Condolences for a death should not be a memorized text, much less a text read from a piece of paper or any medium, such as a phone. Sincerity is defined in empathy, the awareness that grief, like death, does not bypass a single person. Long speeches sound insincere and pathetic. A short condolence in your own words will be the best option.

The help offered will also be a manifestation of sincere sympathy and empathy. How can I help you? What can I do for you? If you need anything, contact me! – everything must be confirmed by deeds. Don’t be unfounded, and especially don’t offer help knowing in advance that you won’t be able to help.

Words of condolences

Words of condolences regarding death can consist of a couple of phrases and even a couple of words. For example:

• (Name) was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• How much good she did for her neighbors! How she was loved and appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a piece of ourselves. We really feel for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But it’s hardest for you! If we can help you with anything, please contact us immediately!
• He has meant/done/helped me a lot in my life. I mourn with you!
• What a pity that I didn’t have time to tell him “I’m sorry!” He opened for me new world, and I will always remember this! My sincere condolences!
• I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you
• We offer our sincere condolences to all family and friends
• I was told that your brother died. I'm very sorry, I mourn with you
• A wonderful man has passed away. I send my condolences to you and your entire family at this sad and difficult moment.
• Condolences about death - the words above are an example of sincere empathy. They can be tailored to a specific person.

How to express sympathy?

The first and most important thing has already been given above - this is sincerity, which is expressed in the fact that the words do not come from the head, like a memorized text, but from the heart.

Secondly, when offering condolences in connection with a death, offer help; this will become an expression of participation in the grief that has befallen. This could be a small help - pick up and bring wreaths, help with organizing a funeral/memorial. To express condolences over a death means to join in common grief not only in words, but also in deeds.

Third, don’t keep your emotions to yourself and stay calm. appearance. You should not be ashamed of your feelings - you came to the funeral of a friend who is no longer alive. You can cry, hug your family, provided you follow the first rule - sincerity. An obviously feigned hysteria will not be able to support relatives.

Fourth, it would not be superfluous and even important to say at least a couple of phrases that characterize the deceased with best side– he was a great friend/she was a wonderful housewife or it was a pleasure to work with him/she was a kind and sympathetic person. These words will become a balm for the soul of the dearest people of the deceased.

Examples of condolences

• We deeply mourn the death of (name). She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once (name). She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
• Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.
• We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.
• I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.
• It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution (name), who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.
• I would like to express to you our deep feelings about the death of (name). Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

What should you not talk about?

Old grievances - death forgives everything and puts an end to any conflict. Folk wisdom says that only good things can be said about the dead. If you cannot let go of a situation or a conflict, then it is better to limit yourself to a couple of phrases, since if by chance aggression or negativity towards the deceased slips into the words, this can hurt his relatives. Or, even worse, it will cause a scandal.

The text of condolences regarding a death should not contain banal and hackneyed phrases that essentially mean nothing. This is “everything will be fine”, “everything will pass with time”, “you’re young - you’ll give birth”, “soon the pain will subside, it will become easier with time” and so on. Those who have lost loved ones in this moment You can’t understand all this and such phrases will only cause an outbreak of aggression.

There is no need to ask to stop crying or worrying. This will also not resonate. On the contrary, one should support “don’t keep everything to yourself - cry.” There are tears here - main way, allowing you to throw out the grief and pain accumulated inside. This really makes it easier. It is much more difficult to experience everything within yourself, which can lead to psychological and even mental illness.

It is not worth mentioning such banal things as age - “he was already old”, “he was sick for so long that death is liberation.” You will cause deep pain to your relatives. Especially if these are condolences for the death of mom or dad. It's hard to lose parents at any age. These are the closest people whose support and love we need at any age.

Texts of condolences

• (Name), please accept my heartfelt condolences... The death of a husband is a difficult loss that must be experienced. It’s hard for me to put into words, but we really need you. Hold on!
• (Name), I express my deepest condolences regarding the death of (name). Words are stupid, and perhaps in vain, but we are always with you. We will support and help you survive.
• I sincerely share your pain and convey words of sympathy and support to you and your family.
• Death loved one- great grief and trials.
• (Name) please accept my sincere condolences. Unfortunately, words are difficult to heal a terrible wound in the heart. However, bright memories of a person who lived his life honestly and with dignity, leaving behind the fruits of his good deeds, will always be stronger than death.
• At this bitter moment, I share your grief, I mourn with you, I bow my head in sorrow.
• We understand how much he meant to you. It is very difficult to lose such a wonderful person. He brought us so much warmth and love. We will never forget him. We mourn with you
• His death is an irreparable loss for all of us. This is a terrible tragedy. After all, he was such a kind, loving and sympathetic person. He did so much good in his life for everyone. We will never forget him

Condolences in verse

Condolences in verse - not the best option. Death is not the time for poetry, but moderate, short poems can become an outlet for all those gathered. Sung in a low voice with intonation and expression, poems of grief and condolences will find a response in the hearts of those gathered. So, a verse of condolences on the occasion of death:

When you left, the light went dark,
And time suddenly stopped.
And they wanted to live together forever...
Well, why did this all happen?!

We remember, dear, and mourn,
The wind blows coldly on my heart.
We love you forever,
No one will replace you for us.

You brought us light - magical, kind,
Your world was fabulously beautiful.
We remember you, the only one,
Thank you for your talent.

May your sleep be serene
No one will ever disturb you,
Nothing can break it
Oblivion of eternal peace.

Without chasing meaningless fame,
Keeping love in your heart,
He left, but managed to leave us
Eternal music bright motive

So, condolences are an expression of sincere sympathy and empathy. It shouldn't be long. You should not send condolences via SMS. If it is not possible to express them in person, then it is better to call. Let a couple of lines and phrases imbued with sincerity replace a long memorized text.

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Life does not stand still... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone close to them has died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person and express their condolences and sympathy. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude towards the experiences and misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, injure, or cause even more suffering?

The word condolences speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as “ with seating disease" Don't let this surprise you. After all, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful human condition, and it is well known that “shared grief is half grief.” Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Sympathy - feeling together, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also offering condolences is various cases part business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, and firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Verbal condolences to the bereaved

Most in a frequent way expressions of condolences are oral. Verbal condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendly and other connections. Verbal condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral or wake).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, without the work of the soul and sincere sympathy behind it. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but in many cases also causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not a rare case these days. It must be said that people in grief subtly sense lies that at other times they would not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to say empty and false words that have no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express your condolences please consider the following:

• There is no need to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings towards the grieving person and in expressing warm words towards the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, you can express your condolences with whatever your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is quite enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. The same can be done by condolences who do not have close relationships with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime. For them, it is enough to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
• When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead and formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organizing a funeral, this is a feasible material aid(this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many other types of help. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but will also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to choose them? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to choose good words necessary in this situation. And prayer calms us, turns our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can then say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express your condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those with whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come on their own.

• Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolences to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important points his life. After this, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the extent of their loss, their internal state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, the right words will come on their own. All you have to do is say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of that person or persons.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty of before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are a few examples of verbal condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because... the person to whom you offer condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please let's walk this path together
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I mourn with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pretentiousness, or theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who are trying to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCES for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on days 9 to 40 of loss (if grief proceeds normally). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH SUCH GRIEVING PARTICIPALLY IN CONSIDERATION.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases are not used. It is important to note that in an attempt to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. This is why it is better to avoid mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently common phrases that, according to experts, should be said when expressing condolences to a person who is in acute phase grief, not recommended:

You can't "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died), "You are beautiful, then will you get married again"(if the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for a grieving person. He hasn't mourned yet, hasn't experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he is thus giving hope to the grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry“Everything will pass” - people who utter such words of “sympathy” give completely wrong instructions to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions and hide his pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or become convinced) to think that crying is bad. This can have an extremely difficult impact on both the psycho-emotional and somatic state of the mourner and on the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement, which the sympathizer imagines as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement very differently. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn’t really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build new life without a loved one. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help him.

« It's bad, of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, acts of mercy and alms can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt and get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, is not making plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be like this now. That is why such a phrase evokes negative feelings to the one who speaks it.

Let’s give a metaphor: for example, a child was hit hard, is experiencing severe pain, crying, and they say to him, “It’s bad that you hit yourself, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to utter wishes to the mourner that are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to get back to work quickly,” “I hope that you will soon regain your health,” “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy,” etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given in this capacity. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which in a state of acute grief a person still does not yet see. This means that these phrases will go to best case scenario into emptiness. But it is possible that the griever will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in a tragedy and devalue the loss.

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss, most often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of the loss does not become less, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He feels better this way. He was sick and exhausted"- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of the loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke resentment in the grieving person towards the departed - “You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad.” Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grief can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences the following statements are heard: “It’s good that the mother wasn’t hurt,” “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They also should not be said to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could have been worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by saying that his house burned down, but his car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in its worst form.

“Hold on, because others have it worse than you”(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, there is so much evil around - many suffer, your husband is here, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which the sympathizer tries to compare the grieving person with the one “ who has it worse." At the same time, he hopes that the person grieving from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, that it can be even worse, and thus his pain from the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable practice. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for normal person If everyone around is feeling bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person’s condition. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can’t look for the “extreme”

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we had sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if We wouldn’t let him go,” etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried an additional feeling of guilt, which will then have a very bad effect on him psychological condition. This is a very common error that appears from our ordinary desire find the “guilty”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom condolences are “guilty.”

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished,” “this driver should be killed (brought to justice),” “these terrible doctors should be judged.” These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else and are a condemnation of another. But assigning someone to blame, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all soften the pain of loss. Punishing someone responsible for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements put the mourner in a state of strong aggression on the one responsible for the death of a dear person. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression towards the perpetrator on himself at any moment, thereby making things even worse for himself. So you shouldn’t utter such phrases, fueling the fire of hatred, condemnation, and aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

“God gave - God took”- another often used “consolation” that actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the “blame” for the death of a person to God. We must understand that what is in acute stage A grief-stricken person is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be made easier because God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that by suggesting in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person and not have good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is precisely turning to God in prayer. And obviously, this creates additional complications if you consider God to be “guilty.” Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God’s providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mentioning this can indeed be a comfort.

“This happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not console, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolence” in this way completely undeservedly puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, binding certain reasons with a consequence. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, who thinks a lot about himself, and stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” with condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless “condolences”, it is necessary to remember the well-known rule “It’s either good or nothing about the deceased.”

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

They often say the phrase when expressing condolences “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. Nobody can understand physical pain other than the one who experiences it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the mourner, even if you have experienced similar things. You shouldn't compare feelings. You can't feel the same way he does. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to tactlessly inquire about details when expressing sympathy. “How did this happen?” “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before his death?” This is no longer an expression of condolences, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not cause him trauma (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when offering condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily cope with grief - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy.” ", "Me too, just like you. I feel very bad, my father also died,” etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and your desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of grief and pain can occur, a mutual induction that not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is little consolation for a person that others are also feeling bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you must do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obliged to do something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This makes condolences pompous, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to achieving the main goal - expressing sympathy and sharing grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolences a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not expressed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also provides the following recommendations on what NOT to do when communicating with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of a grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. We must understand that the person grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, and be in a state of feelings that are very difficult for another person to assess. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from such a person’s refusals. Be merciful to him. Wait for him to get back to normal.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, deprive him of your support, or ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your reluctance to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to impose yourself, if you are modest, then take into account these characteristics of the grieving person. Don't ignore him, but go up and explain to him.

Don't be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Sympathetic people are often frightened powerful emotions those grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. This may also be misunderstood by them.

You should not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have results. This happens because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeezing, grabbing hands). Sometimes sympathizers involved in grief may lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the grieving person. Strong manifestations emotions, clenching in an embrace.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and memorials, but also to comrades and simply distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person receiving it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, be with the grieving, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply worn over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a condolence visit, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, to speak tactlessly on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or to discuss work problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they suffered, and you will make it easier for them to get back on track Everyday life. If a person cannot make a personal visit for some reason, then you need to send written condolences, a telegram, email or SMS message"

Written expression of condolences

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's look at this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant on the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life” writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility you can find examples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of information, love, instruction, and command. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people’s deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the king’s character. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son’s escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with the grief of others could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then serving as a governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the Tsar’s eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, among other things, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve too much, but you can’t, so as not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't make me angry." The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed story about the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist adding: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Don’t worry, but trust in God and be reliable in us.”(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

IN XVIII-XIX centuries epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence alternative types communication, writing was a means of not only transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to confidential conversations, based on speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected individuality, emotional condition who wrote. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, the circle of friends and interests of the writer, and the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually letters of consolation. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter notifying him of the death of his relative, a consoling letter was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembering the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening in Russian society interest in the topic of death. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, has faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has to some extent become taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy was also lost; There is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of comfort have become part of formal etiquette, but have not completely disappeared from communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called “Pismovniki” began to be published to help those writing on difficult topics. These were guides to writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write and format a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, providing samples of letters, phrases and expressions for various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of letter writers that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner and console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of consolation required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th century letter books, “The General Secretary, or a new complete letter book.” (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this kind of letter, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can disqualify yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no more praiseworthy habit than to console each other in sorrows. Fate inflicts so much misfortune on us that we would act inhumanely if we did not give each other such relief. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in her sadness excessively, then instead of suddenly holding back her first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters one can use the features of moral teaching and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than grieve over someone’s death, it is better to abandon such vivid ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; Prudence requires in such cases to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more expansively about disasters that are inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what misfortunes does each of us not endure in this life? Lack of property forces you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.”

And this is what the samples of consoling letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My Empress! Not in order to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor of writing this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better yet, to mourn with you in common the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Judge, madam, whether I have any reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can console my sorrow except perfect submission to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you too will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you should still be consoled by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-lived pleasure here. Honor him by keeping him everlasting in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Have fun raising your children, in whom you see him come alive. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I cry for him with you, and all honest people share their pity with you, among whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, of an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, and condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, inconvenient aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death... . She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only imagine what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better people. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how tenderly he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think a lot of people will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you shared your memories of your dad. Thinking about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We wish we could find words to somehow ease your pain, but it’s hard to imagine if such words exist at all. The loss of a child is the most terrible grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We are praying for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name)'s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and the other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep sadness at his/her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences for the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings regarding the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday of the death of Mr...

Example 5. The news of the sudden death of Mr.... was a huge shock for us.

Example 6. We find it difficult to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...