How does a loved one’s illness affect your health? A terrible diagnosis: how to accept the disease.

Ilya’s best friend is undergoing chemotherapy, but Ilya can’t get around to calling him: fear and a vague feeling of guilt for the fact that he himself is healthy prevents him from dialing the number. Anna is sure that it is she who is to blame for the fact that her younger sister suffers from anorexia. “My leaving home to study in Moscow could have provoked the disease,” she explains bitterly. Tatyana is ashamed of her daily attacks of irritation and hostility towards her paralyzed mother, who needs constant attention.

When we face a serious illness loved one, we are overcome by despair. We are lost and acutely feel our helplessness. And often we begin to reproach ourselves. It seems that we are ready to perform a feat of compassion, but we run into the limits of our capabilities. Trying to drown out a painful feeling, someone, like Ilya, prefers to distance himself and unconsciously chooses an escape strategy (“can’t” get through on the phone, “doesn’t have time” to come to the hospital during emergency hours). Others “throw themselves at the embrasure”, give all their physical and mental strength and often sacrifice their own family life, depriving yourself of the right to happiness.

Mechanism of guilt

"To take right place next to the patient, it takes time - this rarely happens right away,” explains psychotherapist Igor Shats. “The first reaction is shock and numbness. Having worked with relatives for many years, I see that the most difficult thing for them is to realize that a loved one is terminally ill. And you can’t count on changes for the better.” “Almost instantly, an irrational feeling of guilt arises: “I couldn’t prevent it,” “I didn’t insist on visiting a doctor,” “I was inattentive,” adds clinical psychologist and Gestalt therapist Vyacheslav Yanston. - Relatives feel guilty: for past conflicts, and for the fact that they are healthy, that they cannot always be there, that they are still carried away by something in life...” Moreover, it is difficult to understand how to behave now. As if nothing had happened, so as not to aggravate the experiences of a loved one? But then there is a risk that we will be considered selfish. Or should you change the nature of your relationship with him because he is now sick?

We ask ourselves questions, think about what our relationships were like before the illness. But more importantly, someone else's illness reminds us of our own fears. And above all - about the unconscious fear of death.

“Another source of guilt is the common idea that we should be the ideal son or daughter, husband or wife,” says client-centered psychotherapist and psychologist Marina Khazanova. - They must look after and take ideal care of their relative. This is felt especially acutely by those who were reprimanded a lot in childhood, who were constantly shown that they did not correspond to the norm. This is a paradox: the more responsible a person is, the better he takes care of the sick, the more acutely he feels his imperfection.”

We want to support a sick friend or relative while protecting ourselves from suffering. An inevitable confusion of conflicting feelings arises: we are torn between love and despair, the desire to protect and irritation towards a loved one, who sometimes hurts us, feeding our feelings of guilt with their suffering. We risk getting lost in this labyrinth, losing sight of our guidelines, our faith, our beliefs.

“When we constantly grind the same thoughts in our heads, they fill our consciousness and create chaos, which prevents us from thinking rationally,” adds Marina Khazanova. “We lose contact with ourselves, with our own emotions.” This literally shows up physical level: Insomnia, chest pain, skin problems may occur... Imaginary guilt and exaggerated responsibility that we take upon ourselves are to blame for this.

There are many reasons for such confusion of feelings: caring for a sick person leaves neither time nor space for oneself, it requires attention, emotional response, warmth, it depletes our resources. And sometimes it destroys a family. “All its members may find themselves in a state of codependency when long illness their relative becomes the only meaning of the family system,” warns Vyacheslav Yanston.

Define boundaries

To free yourself from guilt, you first need to acknowledge it and express it in words. But this alone is still not enough. “We need to understand that we cannot be responsible for the misfortune of another,” says a doctor of the highest category, oncologist of the European medical center Julia Mandelblat. “When we discover that our sense of guilt and our involuntary power over another person are two sides of the same coin, we will take the first step towards our mental well-being and free up energy to help the patient.” To stop blaming yourself, you must first give up the feeling of your omnipotence and clearly outline the boundaries of your responsibility. It’s easy to say... Taking this step is very difficult, but it’s still better not to hesitate.

“I didn’t immediately realize that I wasn’t annoyed with my grandmother, but with the fact that after the stroke she became a different person,” recalls 36-year-old Svetlana. “I knew her completely different, cheerful and strong. And she really needed it. It took me a long time to accept her decline and stop beating myself up.” Feelings of guilt can poison life; it is precisely this that prevents us from truly being close to our loved ones. But what does it say? About whom if not about ourselves? And the moment comes when it’s time to sincerely answer the question: what is more important to me - a relationship with a loved one who is suffering or my experiences? In other words: do I really love this person?

“An oppressive feeling of guilt can cause alienation between the patient and his friend or relative,” says Marina Khazanova. “But in many cases the patient does not expect anything unusual - he just wants to preserve the connection that has always existed. In this case we're talking about about empathy, about willingness to listen to his expectations. Some people want to talk about their illness, others prefer to talk about something else. In this case, it is enough to be able to empathize and listen to his expectations.”

It is important not to try to decide once and for all what is good and bad for the patient, and to be able to set your own boundaries. The best way to help yourself is to switch to solving small daily tasks. “Make a step-by-step treatment plan, consulting with doctors, ask questions, look for your own algorithm for helping the patient,” advises Vyacheslav Yanston. - Calculate your strengths without falling into sacrifice. When life becomes more structured and there is a clear daily routine, it becomes easier.” And don't refuse help from other people. Vadim is 47 years old. For 20 of them he takes care of his paralyzed mother. “Now, after so many years, I understand that my father’s life and mine would have turned out differently - I don’t know whether it was better or worse, but completely different, if we had allowed more care for my mother and other family members.”

When you are close to someone who is sick, it is difficult to understand where their boundaries end and your own begin. And the main thing is where the boundaries of our responsibility end. “To draw them means to say to yourself: there is his life, and there is mine,” explains Vyacheslav Yanston. “But this does not mean that the loved one will be rejected, it will only help to figure out where the point of intersection of our lives is.”

Accept reward

In order to establish the right relationship with the person to whom we bring good, about whom we care, it is necessary that this good becomes a benefit for ourselves. And this presupposes that there should be some kind of reward for the helper. This is what helps maintain relationships with those he cares for. Otherwise, help turns into sacrifice. And a sacrificial attitude always breeds aggressiveness and intolerance.

Not many people know that a year before his death, Alexander Pushkin went to the village to care for his dying mother Nadezhda Hannibal. After her death, he wrote that in this “ a short time I used maternal tenderness, which I had not known until that time...”*. Before her death, the mother asked her son for forgiveness for not loving him enough.

“When we decide to accompany a loved one on this difficult path, it is important to understand that we are taking on long-term obligations,” emphasizes Igor Shats. - This is a huge work that lasts months and even years. To avoid succumbing to fatigue, emotional burnout“When helping a relative or friend, we need to clearly understand what value we get from communicating with the patient.” This happened in Alexei’s family, where the grandmother, who fell ill with transient cancer, one day united all the relatives around her, forcing them to forget about previous differences. “We realized that the most important thing for us was to make the last months of her life happy. And for her there was always only one criterion for happiness - that the whole family be together.”

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh “Happiness is to show your love”

“When we are seriously ill or approaching death, those around us take care of us, and often a sick person worries in his soul that he has become a burden to others. The sick person must be dissuaded of this. He didn't become a burden. He gave people happiness with the opportunity to show their love, their humanity, to be their companion through the last period of life - into eternity. The sick must be convinced that while they were healthy and strong, they cared about others, helped them, not necessarily in illness, just in life; Now they can receive from these people the love that they themselves have sown in their souls, and give them the opportunity to show their love and theirs. When we refuse the help of others during illness, we deprive them of the greatest happiness - to love us to the end. I think that if someone who cares for a dying person could perceive what is happening to him, just sit next to him and not contribute anything himself, but only be himself transparent, silent, as deep as possible, then he would probably see how this person is at first blind to eternity, as if closed from eternity by his flesh, his corporeality, his humanity. Gradually all this becomes more transparent, and the dying person begins to see another world. At first, I think, a dark world, and then suddenly the light of eternity... Therefore, those young people who care for the sick, in addition to giving the patient the opportunity to accept love with gratitude and openness - this is very important - can sit with them at the moment when the patient can no longer tell them in any way about what he now sees or feels, but to know that a transition is now taking place, and to be with him all this time, the time of transition.”

* Excerpt from the article “Body and Matter in Spiritual Life.” "Proceedings". Practice, 2002.

If a loved one is seriously ill: 17 important points on what to do

Illness is something that can suddenly happen to anyone. Mom/dad/sister/brother/husband/friend/child is sick - what to do? What to do? How to find a clinic? Run to the fund? Varvara Turova has collected 8 vital recommendations.

Trust but check

Once you receive your diagnosis, double-check it with two other doctors. Contact specific doctors that you've heard of good feedback from friends.

Don't read horror stories

Do not read medical forums or ask questions on them. Don't waste your time on various kinds unverified information. It is better to immediately turn to real professionals.

Take action

Hand over absolutely everything medical tests that are related to your illness. The 3 doctors with whom you will double-check your diagnosis will tell you if any of the tests are missing. Do everything. Most likely in Israel or Germany, etc. You will be required to take tests there too. Depends on the clinic and doctor. Some doctors have no confidence in Russian tests.

Get ready

Translate all tests to English language– you need to do this with the help of a professional medical translator. In different countries, tests may be called completely differently, and a technically accurate (literal) translation may not tell you anything.

Don't waste time

Scan everything you have medical documents. You can simply take a photo of them with your phone (if you manage to make this photo large and really clear - so that doctors who, for example, will consult you online, can easily and without wading through the shortcomings of the photo, read what is written on it ).

Explore

Do your research to see which clinic in the world is considered to specialize in your particular disease. Keep in mind that in America most clinics will be much more expensive than in Germany, and in Germany they will most likely be more expensive than in Israel.

Find out everything about treatment in Russia

It is possible that they can cope well with your disease in Russia too. As practice shows, there are few such cases (I hope everyone won’t be offended by me Russian doctors, among whom there are real geniuses, and wonderful honest people, etc.). But such cases still exist.

Contact trusted clinics

It is known that with oncological diseases know how to handle things well in Israel. Here are just a few of the definitely good, world-famous (and this is not always the same thing) clinics:

• Sheba Medical Center – neurosurgery (Dr. Feldman), radiology, cardiac surgery,
• Hadassah Ein Kerem Medical Center - people often come here for hemato-oncology, but of course, the clinic also deals with other things,
• Assuta is not state-owned, but private clinic and it is easier for foreigners (non-Israeli citizens) to get into it. True, it may be more expensive there. But the hospital has one of the best reputations,
• Edith Wolfson Medical Center treats breast cancer well,
• At the Saint-Luc clinic (Belgium), to which I heard great amount complaints from various acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances, nevertheless, they treat young children with liver diseases - and this is perhaps the only place in the world like this,
• The clinic “Universitätsklinikum Carl Gustav Cars” is highly praised. Klinik und Poliklinik für Frauenheilkunde und Geburtshilfe” in Dresden,
• HMC (Herzliya, private),
• Asaf HaRofeh (near Rishon LeZion),
• Rabin Medical Center (Petah Tikva),
• Schneider (Petah Tikva, children's hospital),
• Meir (Kfar Saba),
• Rambam (Haifa),
• Adasa (Jerusalem)
• Soroka (Beer Sheva),
• Kaplan (Rehovot),
• Clalit is a health insurance fund that unites several hospitals: Rabin, Soroka, Meir, Carmel, HaEmek, Kaplan, Yoseftal, Levinstein, Schneider,
• The most popular hospitals among medical tourists are: Shiva, Ikhilov, Adasa, Asuta (according to the Ministry of Health).

Find out prices immediately

Overwhelming majority good clinics usually does not issue any invoices until your personal consultation with a specialist. In the sense that you don’t have to wait, as soon as you send your tests to the clinic, they will immediately tell you how much the treatment will cost.

Take advantage of the situation

As for visas, they are “medical”. They say that it is easier and faster to get them than a tourist one.

Get ready to spend

Even when the clinic issues you an invoice, do not expect that the amount indicated will not change. In rare cases, treatment costs less than expected. In most cases it is more. Much depends on how your body responds to treatment, of course.

Medical tourism can help you

Every large clinic has a “medical tourism” department, and this department has its own section on the website. In many cases (if we are talking about Israel) this page is in Russian - here is just one example.

Contact trusted intermediaries

In medical tourism, it is very common to turn to “intermediaries”. That is, people who will professionally help you in all negotiations with clinics and doctors. It happens that these people truly save lives and fight for their client. It happens that they are dishonest and will extract a lot of money from you. Contact only a trusted intermediary. Such a person can really make the whole process easier for you.

Don't forget about additional costs

Don’t forget to add to the amount of treatment the cost of housing (in most cases, people who are treated in Israel rent apartments there. Unfortunately, this is not cheap at all) and food (not cheap in any country that has good medicine).

Contact specialized funds

If you cannot choose a clinic and decide how best to proceed, you can consult with the staff charitable foundations– even if they cannot help you with money (or if you are in financial assistance if you don’t need it) – they will probably be able to tell you how best to act. For example, you can write to the “Give Life” fund - [email protected]

Ask for help

Instructions on how best to act if you need to raise money are located

With your inner prayer at the very bedside of the sick, and as needed and convenient - and with a word of gentle reminder, try to assist them in looking to the Doctor of souls and bodies. Draw their attention, as if it were a proven fact, to the fact that in sighing in prayer a sick person may receive medicine from a heavenly clinic, but heavenly medicine is without a doubt stronger than earthly medicine.

Saint Philaret, Metropolitan of Moscow (1783-1867).

If old people, sick people, or people who are out of their minds say something unpleasant or offensive to you, then don’t listen, just help them. We must help the sick with all our diligence and we must forgive them, no matter what they say or do.

Blessed Matrona (20th century).

If someone has not previously predisposed himself to patience, fearing illness as a person, it is already too difficult for him not to be upset when he gets sick. And such a patient gets upset over the most unimportant cases, gets attached to every little thing! Meanwhile, as a result of the grief that is done to him, his illness and suffering from the disease intensify, and sometimes death is accelerated. How thoughtlessly or outright maliciously the relatives of the patient, or strangers to him, act... How careless or malicious they are when they upset the patient! For example, they prick him with unfair or simply inappropriate reproaches, not only let him notice, but also say out loud that he is a burden to them, they even leave him for a few hours or minutes to himself, as if they are ready to become a burden to the patient themselves. Finally, they express their annoyance with him by not wanting to quietly move him on the bed or carefully bandage his wounds. This is the kind of ruthlessness that can be exposed by animals, caressing themselves around their sick masters or benefactors. “And when I come, I will lick his (Lazarus’) pus,” it is said.

No! The duty of philanthropy requires eliminating from the patient even any noise or knocking that might disturb him. It is even necessary to moderate the pitiful tears about him in his eyes, since this will worry him more. Spareness from grief should also be given to those people who, although not lying in bed, even fulfilling their duties at work or at home, are obviously in a painful state, for example, consumptive or nervous people. Those who are still relieved of their burden deserve peace from those around them. As for the unconscious patients, as well as the insane or completely insane, these require minute-by-minute supervision over them. How many examples have there been of patients of this kind catching a cold due to lack of care, falling and getting severe bruises, and the insane even encroached on their own lives!..

Only deep melancholic people should not be left without heartfelt care, especially those who have fallen into melancholy from satiety with all the sinful pleasures of their life. These people let an attentive person notice, and sometimes they directly say that they are struggling with the idea of ​​suicide. So, you need to be with them more often, which is what they themselves desire (by the way, you should not give them books or articles that talk about suicide). Regarding all these unfortunate people, the Savior left us a humane example. He favorably received those who cared for the sick, possessed by demons, and thereby showed us that we too should be philanthropic towards the unconscious and the insane. Merciful Christian! Especially about those who are unconscious or with madness, if you are with them, remember and fulfill the words of St. Scripture: “The poor is left for you to eat.”

Archpriest Evgeny Popov (19th century).

When a loved one is seriously ill... The news of a serious illness is a blow not only for the person who learned about his illness, but also for his entire family. In this situation, it can be difficult for us to control our emotions, let alone support a person in trouble. So what to do when a person with a serious illness appears in the family? There is no universal answer to this question. Sometimes it happens that the illness of one of the family members begins to work “for the benefit” of the whole family. It allows you to maintain some valuable stereotype of relationships. It is known that children get sick in order to “leave mom at home.” Or, for example, as often happens, a family sticks together while one of its members is sick. If this person were to recover, the family would most likely fall apart, because illness was the only thing that held it together. When the family found out about the disease, it was a trauma for them. What is fundamentally important in this situation is for the patient, especially if he is an adult, to respect just a person. And admit that he is no less responsible for his recovery than all other family members . At first, you need support and attention. Emotional support is especially necessary, something that, unfortunately, not many people know how to do. We often support others “at our discretion”, i.e. in a way that we think would help us. For example, a person gets sick and starts talking about his illness. What do relatives often do? "C'mon! Do not think about it! Everything will be fine!" - they begin to say. Why are they doing that? Because they are scared with this disease, anxious, they feel helpless. And as if calming the patient, in this way they try to calm themselves. And it is important for a sick person to talk about what happened to him! Be it news of fatal disease, or a disease that will radically change a person’s life, the first support is to talk, talk and talk. Talk as much as is necessary for a sick person. Talk and listen. Create an opportunity to discuss important things, because sometimes the patient is afraid to burden others with his experiences. You need to talk about everything: that he is afraid of becoming a burden, that he may become incapacitated, that he already has a feeling of guilt, talk about his fears, that recovery will require the efforts of himself the patient and what he needs to get well. It takes a lot of will and strength not to devalue this problem, not to discard it, not to refuse to talk about such things. It’s a mistake to pretend that nothing happened. It is important to call a spade a spade. The family is traumatized. Not only one person is sick, but the whole family is sick. Often chronic diseases develop and develop in people who have generally developed a victim mentality throughout their lives. “I'm unlucky. Why is it always like this? For what? " It is important to help such a person realize that his recovery largely depends on himself.

You would like to devote more time to your work and career advancement, but in new circumstances you are forced to devote a lot of time and effort to caring for a loved one. In this situation, you regularly find yourself faced with a choice that needs to be made in favor of your own interests or the interests of the patient. Such a dilemma is always associated with moral feelings, which are not easy to cope with. If at any time you act according to your own interests, then remorse may follow. Remember not to suppress them. You should deal with the feeling of guilt and analyze what it is connected with. Only in this case will you have the opportunity to find a way to get rid of mental suffering.

What do caregivers usually blame themselves for?

and why you shouldn't do it:

The fact that others cope better with care

If you talk to people in the same situation or read their stories online, you may get the impression that they are better at caring than you are. Remember: your perceived inability to properly cope with the situation is associated only with inflated demands on yourself and in no way with the expectations of others. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. Ideal people does not exist, just as there are no people who ideally care for the sick.

You should not place excessive demands on yourself. Be realistic! You do what you can. The standard should not be an abstract model, but a life situation in which many factors prevent the performance of impeccable actions.

The fact that the patient was not given enough attention before the diagnosis was made

Another likely reason for self-criticism is memories of how you communicated with the patient before the diagnosis. At the same time, episodes may come to mind when you did not show due attention, were too critical, or got irritated over trifles. Now you regret the impossibility of turning back the clock to do more for that person who could still communicate normally and evaluate how he was treated. This is not entirely correct. Cloudless relationships between close people only happen in bad novels. Understanding is replaced by episodes of misunderstanding, affection may at times give way to fatigue, tenderness may give way to irritation. Therefore, it is pointless to feel guilty for these episodes; emotions naturally replace each other, like inhalation and exhalation. You could not know that a person close to you would develop a disease, and, even if you knew, refuse normal human emotions shouldn't have. And such initial stages Any number of cognitive and behavioral disorders could occur.

In the appearance of “bad” thoughts and feelings

During for long years When caring for a sick person, you can involuntarily catch yourself thinking that not only love, but even sympathy for your loved one is gone. His behavior causes increasing irritation and even disgust. You realize that you are caring for him only out of a sense of duty, because you see how defenseless he is, and there is no more sincerity left. At times you want to relax so much that you involuntarily think about how much easier everything would be if the death of a loved one freed your hands. These moods are quite natural, although they can be difficult to come to terms with. After all, from childhood we were taught to distinguish which thoughts and feelings are good and which are not so good. Recognizing “bad” movements of the soul in oneself gives rise to a feeling of guilt, which is only strengthened by the awareness of the uncontrollability of “bad” thoughts and “bad” emotions. It is not right. You shouldn't judge yourself. Talk about these evil obsessions with a person who can understand you. This will be the first step in getting rid of the feeling of guilt, which only aggravates the already negative emotional background of meetings with the patient. Remember that the effectiveness of your help depends on your condition.

The fact that I couldn't restrain myself

Caring for a dementia patient is an activity inextricably linked with increased stress, and therefore irritation, fear, depression naturally arise in many situations, and it is difficult, almost impossible, to get rid of them. If in communication with a patient there arise negative emotions, then no matter how much you hold them back, sooner or later they will appear, and you will subsequently have to reproach yourself for incontinence. Try to release these emotions in situations not related to caring for the patient. Shout at the reflection in the mirror, hit the pillow. If you notice that aggression most often manifests itself in a certain situation or at a certain time of day (for example, it accumulates towards the end of the day), try to figure out how to avoid trouble during these intervals. If you can't find anything better, just count to yourself to ten.

Insufficient attention to the patient

Feelings of guilt can arise in those moments when, freed for a while from caregiving responsibilities, you try to live for yourself. This may be especially noticeable in relation to those forms of leisure that you previously shared with a loved one. In such moments of serenity, sad memories can come flooding back. The awareness of the inaccessibility of benefits for a loved one gives rise to remorse for the pleasure received, which begins to seem like a small betrayal.

Meanwhile, moments of rest that help replenish mental and physical strength, necessary for the guardian. Without such an outlet, a person is an easy target for feelings of hopelessness and depression. He definitely needs restoration and “recharging” to maintain shape. Including to continue effective patient care. Therefore, it is important to realize the following. you are connected different relationships With a large number people who depend on you in one way or another. You do not and will never have the opportunity to fully devote yourself to caring for some without depriving others of attention. There are only 24 hours in a day, and you cannot make everyone who suffers happy for this reason alone. Discuss what is happening with your family and colleagues, find mutually acceptable solutions, and do not put the responsibility solely on yourself.

And further. Separate past and present. Your relationship with a loved one before the onset of the disease and after the development of the main symptoms of dementia can be considered communication with different people. In a sense, this is true. Therefore, it is necessary to separate one from the other, and not just tell yourself this, but feel it. Over time, this attitude can bear fruit.

A loved one has cancer: how to support him? 5 tips from an oncologist

Oncopsychologist, “Clear Morning” service for cancer patients.

How to support someone who has just been diagnosed?

At the moment when a person is diagnosed, the support and presence of a loved one nearby is important, so the first thing to do is to listen. But you need to listen sincerely, and not formally. The main message: “I hear you, I understand that you are scared, I will help.” Perhaps you just need to sit next to him, hug him, cry together, if this is appropriate - that is, share the excitement, let him speak out and not deny the person’s feelings.

It is very important not to overwhelm you with advice: “I looked on the Internet,” “my friends told me,” “I need to urgently go to Germany,” and so on. This can be very annoying, so advice should be at the request of the person himself. The maximum that can be done in this sense is to offer to read something with the wording “if you are interested.”

When a person first learns about the diagnosis, he has a lot of things to deal with urgently: find a doctor, medications, a place where he might have surgery. He may be depressed, and then he may need help just to go buy food. But you need to ask about this so as not to do a disservice and not to impose.

As for information, it should be taken only from trusted sources. There are many different sites, tricks and lures from people who are incompetent in this. For example, healing, homeopathy and so on.

How to talk correctly with a person who has cancer?

Each family has its own rules of communication, so a lot depends on the situation. I think that you need to start the conversation with yourself, talking about your feelings: “I feel that it’s hard for you. Can I help?" You should also try to maintain the same relationships that you had before the illness. A person should feel that he has support, that they are not moving away from him, that they are not afraid of getting infected through dishes, towels, or clothes.

How to cope with the illness of a loved one yourself?

Almost every person whose relative has cancer is very worried. Often he experiences even more than the patient himself, because he is in some kind of vacuum.

You need to immediately look at the resources of your loved ones: if you have someone to talk to, share the burden, that’s very good. We tell our relatives that on the plane they ask you to put a mask on yourself first, and then on the person sitting next to you. If a relative who is caring for a sick person is himself exhausted, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then he will not be able to provide any quality assistance to the sick person. In general, you need to allow yourself to rest a little, be distracted, and share your feelings with another person.

Next, psychological support is important. We encourage you to call the support line and talk to a psychologist, because the conversation itself is therapeutic. A person shares his pain, dumps his emotions - like in a container. Also, a relative of a cancer patient can tell the psychologist about what is really forbidden - for example, he is angry with his mother because she is sick and dying, and this irritates him. The family will misunderstand this, but the psychologist gives a non-judgmental perception of the situation and complete acceptance of the person who needs support and support. A psychologist can also give practical recommendations to reduce anxiety and fear.

What to do if a person with cancer refuses treatment?

Such cases occur quite often - a lot depends on the person’s psychotype and the support they receive. If this happens, we advise relatives to tearfully beg the patient to continue treatment for their sake, and also to show how much they love him, how they want to see him next to them and fight together.

Some patients give up because they understand that treatment is long haul and there will be a lot of things along the way. Perhaps by refusing treatment a person wants to check how important he is to his relatives, whether they are afraid of losing him. In this case, you need to turn to all your spiritual qualities and show the person’s value to himself.

We also need to figure out what is behind this - perhaps these are myths and fears. As a rule, patients have the sad experience of the death of loved ones under similar circumstances, and this should be carefully discussed and information aimed at reducing these fears should be conveyed. Here it is important to consult a psychologist who will help you look at the situation with different sides and work with those fears that prevent you from gaining confidence in your abilities and in treatment.

But still, a person’s life is in his hands, and the choice always remains his. We can ask and plead for a long time, but if a person has made such a decision, we must sincerely listen to him and try to understand. In this case, you will have to leave some responsibility on the patient himself.

How to talk about death?

The topic of death is very often taboo. This is a subtle, intimate moment. Nowhere are they taught to talk about death, and much depends on how it was lived in the family when older relatives died.

Behind the words “I’m going to die soon” there are always some other words that the person would like to tell you. Maybe he wants to ask for something - for example, help him complete something unfinished. It is very important to listen to the person and understand what he really wants to convey. Perhaps he dreams of just going to the sea and watching seagulls fly. So do it! Have a dialogue and don't close yourself off. It is very important.

A serious diagnosis... Having learned about it, its owners often panic. Their hearts clench with fear and

Experts treat such experiences with understanding. And yet they warn: do not give in to despondency! Having learned the terrible truth and having experienced the first shock, it is important to be able to choose LIFE.

Our consultant is psychologist Maria Belykh.

Having received a confirmed diagnosis of a serious illness, a person goes through five stages of accepting the diagnosis in one form or another. Hundreds of unanswered questions swarm in my head. The future hangs like a dark cloud. After all, the worst thing is the unknown. Psychologists assure: this is a completely normal reaction. In such a situation, it is natural and even necessary to go through a certain period of grief, to mourn the changes that have occurred in fate. The main thing is not to get stuck in any of these stages.

Stage one. Shock and/or denial

Having received a confirmed diagnosis of a serious illness, the first hours or even days a person experiences a state of shock. He lives and acts “automatically” and may look completely calm and healthy.

Following the shock comes panic, the person begins to rush about literally and figuratively. To protect itself, the psyche develops a “denial reflex”: the patient does not believe in his diagnosis and often tries to lead a normal life, avoiding any reminders of the disease. This short-term state of denial is natural. defensive reaction, however, if a person remains in this state for too long, then, firstly, he experiences extreme stress, and secondly, he puts his life at great risk, since he does not see a doctor and does not take care of his health. At the same time, relatives may be completely in the dark: often the diagnosis is either hidden from them, or they do not know the whole truth. Therefore, at this stage a person may feel very lonely, even isolated from the world, alone with his fear.

How to cope. Educate yourself by collecting complete information about your illness. From getting to know the disease, you should gradually move on to getting to know the sick - that is, people suffering from the same disease. As the observations of doctors at the Moscow Center show multiple sclerosis, even ordinary friendly communication between patients increases the effectiveness of treatment and quality of life.

Stage two. Anger

As soon as a person passes the first stage, he begins to face reality and understands: a serious illness is now part of his life. And he often begins to feel angry - at God, at himself for doing something wrong, at doctors who cannot cure him, at others - for ignorance and misunderstanding. And because they... are still healthy.

And although anger is a normal reaction human psyche For any life crisis, when it lasts too long, stress levels rise sharply. And health often deteriorates: after all, emotional condition is in direct connection with the physiological. It turns out that by being angry, you only act on the hand of the disease. In addition, excessive anger can deprive you of possible allies - people who could provide you with help and support in the future.

How to cope. You shouldn’t “burn through” priceless energy in vain. You need to be angry at the disease. No wonder Tibetan lamas said that “you need to truly hate your illness in order to overcome it.” Look for examples among famous people who fought with dignity against a similar disease, lived long and well and left their mark on history.

Stage three. Deal

At this stage, a person tries to come to terms with the situation, making a kind of deal with his subconscious on the principle: if I behave well, everything will be as before. Right now the patient is ready to go to healers, sorcerers, use untested methods of treatment, invent his own, refusing the course prescribed by official medicine. Many turn to faith, and very quickly they can reach the point of unhealthy fanaticism. Others, despite the severity of their condition, go on long-distance pilgrimages. In fact, this is a desire to escape from the disease, but in fact, from oneself.

How to cope. It is important to understand that a disease is not retribution or punishment for something, and it will not disappear anywhere, either magically, or miraculously, or in any other way, that your specific disease is just one of dozens chronic diseases that millions of people live with a disease similar to yours all their lives.

At the same time, there is no need to prohibit yourself from doing anything. If you like going to a healer, go, just let your doctor know about it. Visits to temples and shrines also have a beneficial effect on the psyche of patients. Just remember that sick people cannot fast (any fast, not just strict fasting!) and cannot remain at the service through force, when the knees buckle and the vision darkens.

Better yet, find yourself a BUSINESS in which you can achieve success and recognition that will truly captivate you. Suffice it to recall the experience of Daria Dontsova, who began writing her detective stories in a hospital bed and managed not only to overcome a serious illness, but also to become famous.

Stage four. Depression

When reality finally sinks in, virtually all patients experience some degree of depression. Huge unresolved questions remain about plans for the future, about relationships with others, about changes in status in the family and at work. Necessity permanent treatment often radically changes the usual way of life, starting with the daily routine. Many people at this stage just want to crawl their heads under the covers and hide from the whole world.

How to cope. First of all, you need to understand that this is a temporary period. Feelings of hopelessness and gloomy pictures of the future are chimeras, which in essence are nothing more than symptoms of depression. Once you experience it, you will see your life completely differently. A diagnosis is not a reason to give up plans and hopes. Moreover, for each serious disease, new treatment methods are constantly being developed that help maintain capacity for life. for a long time. However, there are diseases that provoke depression at the biochemical level. In this case, you need to seek help from a psychiatrist who will prescribe you treatment with antidepressants.

Stage five. Acceptance and revaluation

Acceptance and reconciliation are not the same thing. Acceptance means that a person has come to understand that he can live with his illness, that the patient has developed clear positive goals and aspirations, the realization of which even illness cannot hinder. At this stage, it is time to re-evaluate your life, your plans and goals. Often, only after making a serious diagnosis do people understand what is really important and valuable to them, what is worth spending time and energy on, they focus on what is most important for themselves and give up what is unnecessary.

Attention relatives and friends

After receiving news of a serious diagnosis, it is better not to leave a person alone.

Use any strings to tie the patient more tightly to life: try to show him new and interesting things.

If the patient has thoughts of suicide, contact the centers immediately psychological assistance!

Don't put an adult in the position of a helpless baby. Underscores

Convey through words and actions the strength and confidence of the patient in the fight against the disease. Avoid tearful and pitiful intonations when communicating with him. Make a choice: either you support him and help fight the disease, or step aside.

Personal opinion

- You should never be discouraged. Those who constantly whine will constantly be sick. Blues is a terrible thing, it should not be allowed under any circumstances, otherwise a man turns into a “moon”, and a woman into a “moon”. And if a person is given a serious diagnosis, will and courage are especially important.

Topic: A loved one has cancer. How can I bear it all?

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A loved one has cancer. How can I bear it all?

Today I want to ask for your help in forming the correct perception of a very difficult situation for me.

A month ago I had a planned operation on knee joint. I had big plans for post-op ambulatory treatment: I was serious about changing jobs and moving to a city I’ve been planning to move to for several years.

While I was in the hospital, my dad was also admitted with a suspected “deaf” kidney. And 4 days after my discharge, we learned his terrible diagnosis - kidney cancer, with metastases to neighboring organs. To say that this was a blow is to say nothing. My dad, who had never been in the hospital, who until recently was cheerful and efficient, who was the main breadwinner in our family, suddenly found himself seriously ill.

My parents live in the region, 180 km from the city, so my dad didn’t go home, but stayed with me for a week while we collected necessary tests and examinations for surgery. It was an incredibly difficult emotional week for me, my mood fluctuated from hope for the best to complete despair. Everything was complicated by the fact that I myself did not come to normal shape After the operation, the swelling and fever still persist, although I walk quite tolerably.

Now he has been admitted again, but they are in no hurry to perform the operation; I cannot get specific explanations from the doctors. I really don’t know what to do with dad if he is suddenly discharged to my home again. It is nightmarishly difficult to be next to a sick person in a one-room apartment 24 hours a day, without having any way to help him and alleviate his suffering. But there is suffering: despite the fact that he has almost no pain, he constantly feels sick almost to the point of vomiting, he constantly sleeps, but he just read a book and is already asleep. And I look closely and listen: is he breathing? I feel incredibly alone in this grief and don’t know where to run, I feel weak. I realize that for a complete cure we need a lot of money, which we don’t have.

Just yesterday I was a beautiful, cheerful, athletic girl living relatively well, surrounded by friends and admirers; Now all the friends and fans have fled, as if on cue. Some call and write, but not a single one wanted to come and support in person. Maybe my worldview has already become so distorted that I demand the impossible from people and am offended by the insignificant, I don’t know. I am also offended by my mother because she never came to see me at the hospital or to see my father. She sits there in the village and just sheds tears, and throws hysterics at me on the phone, and complains that her nervous system is not in order. And I understand that she really has health problems and that she cannot come, but still a burning resentment emerges.

It feels like my dad and I are alone on this planet.

Of course, there can be no talk of any relocation now. I'm completely uninterested personal life, although 29 years old, and no family, no children. All thoughts are about only one thing: how to cure dad and how to withstand all this? To my shame, I began to lash out at him too. It seems that I will soon go into my mother’s state, but I also need to adequately communicate with doctors, demand something from them, push them on, and support my dad and mom, and answer endless calls from relatives. Yes, I feel sorry for myself, and I scold myself for this pity, but I can’t do anything yet. Please advise what to do!

How to cope with the illness of a loved one

My mother is dying. Apart from her and my younger brother (he is 10), I have no one. My mother has cancer, she was operated on a year ago, there seemed to be improvements... the doctors were happy and we were even more so... but a week ago she became ill. fourth day in the hospital.. not eating at all.. the doctors shrug their shoulders, advising us to count the hours.. life has turned out in such a way that I don’t really have any friends (I did, but they went to live abroad half a year ago.. we communicate only on the Internet )..I have difficulty going to work and am constantly afraid when the phone rings..I don’t know how to continue to live..I’m scared..I don’t know how I’ll survive without my mother. I don’t even know why I’m writing this now... I just have no one to turn to.

Ulyana, age: 21 / 08.11.2012

May everything be fine with you!

Yuka, age: 21 / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, it’s very difficult for you, a terrible test befell you and your brother. I buried my mother a year ago small to that ago, she had cancer, she died very hard, in my arms, I was there until the last moment. We were left alone with my father. It was hard for me to come home; every time I expected my mother to come in or call me. This is a completely devastating feeling - nothing can convey it, complete emptiness, melancholy and fear. Everyone who could, of course, supported us at that moment. Human sympathy and support were important for us then, but we sought, first of all, consolation from God - since he sent this test to us, it means we must overcome it, no matter how difficult it was. And only in God did we find consolation; He helped us survive all this. Before mom passed away, dad talked to her a lot about the years he had lived - they forgave each other all the insults (I really regretted later that my mom and I didn’t have conversations on similar topics - I was constantly missing at work, but I tried to fulfill all mother's requests). Ulyana, if the worst happens, do not lose heart, seek support from the Almighty (no matter what faith you are, whether you believe at all, ask and do as your heart tells you), although communication with people is also important, it is very difficult to be alone at such moments in life . You have a brother, he is still a child, if God forbid it happens, try to be as close to him as possible, you need to be together. You can survive everything, although it is very difficult; the first month was especially difficult for us. Don’t withdraw into yourself, don’t give up, hold on, don’t succumb to this pervasive melancholy and fear that is ready to simply crush you (it happened to me), cling to anything to win (both morally and financially). I will pray for you, for your mother and brother.

Max, age: 32 / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, hold on! I don’t know if anyone told you that throughout your illness you need to order magpies for the health of the sick person. If you haven’t done this yet, urgently order magpies in several Temples. I don’t know where you live, if in Moscow or Moscow Region, go to the Krasnoselskaya metro station to the miraculous Icon of the All-Tsaritsa, buy the Akathist there and read it in front of the Icon, crying and begging your mother

God What's your mother's name? I will also pray for her. It is advisable that you confess and receive communion before this. If something terrible happens, please don’t despair! The world is not without good people. remember that we all have a Father - this is God and he does not leave us in trouble, we just need to live by observing his laws. You can find clergymen through the Odnoklassniki website (to make it easier to search, they are mainly in Orthodox groups) write to everyone! find as many priests as possible and ask them to pray for your mother, saying her name. God bless you!

Irina, age: 51 / 09.11.2012

You shouldn’t be afraid that your mother will die, be as close to her as possible. I went through this, and the worst thing was not that my mother died, but that I just looked after her for a couple of weeks, and knowing that I had to talk to her, support her and most importantly tell her that I love her, I just went and I felt sorry for myself. 25 years have passed and the words not spoken to her then are knocking on my heart.

You have to love a person and tell him about your love while he is alive. Don’t be afraid, talk to her, invite a priest, if she is baptized, not because she will die, but because confession and communion will give her strength, according to the Will of God, healing, and if she dies, then reconcile with God. I know what I'm talking about. My friend died of cancer 4 years ago, she lived a life full of tears, illness and problems with loved ones, she was betrayed by many, and I also did little for her, but a week before her death she received communion after confession, this was already in the hospice , and my first thought when I saw her was that such a death must be earned. I didn’t attend the funeral or wake, but a couple of days later my daughter and I went to the grave, and the feeling of some kind of holiday never left us. Having suffered all her life, she became an example for me, admonition and there are so many things I cannot say about. After her death, I know for sure that everyone is alive with God.

Olga, age: 51 / 09.11.2012

Ulyanochka, I completely agree with Max. Don’t give up, pray - this is the only way to find the strength to withstand the tests. Pray to God for your mother, for your brother, for yourself. We cannot understand why this happens in life, but we need to rely on the Lord in everything, seek consolation from Him. Strength, Faith and Hope to you!

Kira, age: 27 / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, I understand you very well, 4 years ago I myself lost my mother in just two months, when I couldn’t even think that she would suddenly be gone, because she was always healthy and beautiful. Being without my mother is very difficult and painful, I still have a very serious physical illness, so my mother took care of me, and I didn’t know what everyday life was like. 4 years later, I’m still learning to live without my mother, and I don’t give up, because even now I have a fear of upsetting her, even though she’s not around. Mom is counting on you very much, you must, for her sake and for the sake of your brother, gather your strength and learn, like me, to live independently without your mother. It’s hard, and time doesn’t really help, I still cry because I’m very bored and sad, I’m stifled by guilt, but there’s nowhere to go. We must live in memory of our mother and prove to everyone and ourselves that our mother raised us to be strong and self-confident.

Tamara, age: 22 / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, submit a magpie in church about your mother’s health, submit health notes regularly, order a prayer service for health, read prayers and the “Canon for the Sick” at home (available on the Internet). This will help you and your mother, and you will at least calm down mentally a little. Write the names of your mother and brother.

Look at this: http://prkas.ru/index.php?id=825 There is, in addition to everything,

All-Russian free 24-hour psychological helpline for cancer patients and their loved ones.

Evgeniy, age: * / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, I’ll tell you one story in my style and comment on it a little. Perhaps you will find it useful. A friend told me about it. In general, he served in the temple and was in love with one girl who was there, but sang in the choir. He was timid in front of her, if one can say that he was not afraid of her. According to him, he did not dare to confess his feelings to her. He didn’t follow her and didn’t recognize her contacts - he didn’t show it - he hoped for the best. In general, it was like a secret love - I was just thrilled.

And then one day, she suddenly disappears. Stops going to worship services. At first, he thought that she left because she could not combine several things (study, church, and apparently still lived somewhere far away). He carefully asked those closest to her about her - and found out that she seemed to be going to the hospital with kidney problems.

Some time passes. And then by chance, after the next service, he hears (not eavesdropping) two women tearfully asking the priest for prayers for a critically ill daughter whom he knows. The conversation was long, but surprisingly, during the entire conversation the patient’s name was not spoken. But at some point it was said that it all started with the kidneys. This loving comrade almost jumped out of his chair. Here I have already started eavesdropping on purpose. I realized that we were talking about her.

For him it was a blow, one might say to the heart. The next day in the morning, without thinking much and having the opportunity, he went to the nearest forest. In fasting, in sincere prayer to the Healer Ponteleimon, he was able to hold out for two days (from the three planned). The time was very cold, one night I slept in the open air. As I said, there were thoughts that the disease would pass on to him - that is, there was sacrificial love, as I understand it.

The next days I prayed constantly as best I could. I couldn’t find a place for myself, as they say.

And then about a week passes. And again, under random circumstances, he hears that the critical moment of the disease has already been overcome - everything is fine. They thanked the priest for his prayers. But it’s strange, here we were talking about Marina (the name of the patient!), and our friend was in love with Ekaterina.

Here's the story. The friend eventually started drinking because of unrequited love. So during this case he told me about all this when I asked him why he started drinking. Now he’s alive, everything has worked out for him.

Ulyana, ask God for help! Hope! Collective prayer is important here! Perhaps in your situation this is the only chance.

Vladimir, age: 26 / 09.11.2012

Ulyana, this is of course very scary. Constantly being in such tension. If you are a believer, then seek salvation in faith. in God. Talk to the priest and you will feel better. Or maybe you yourself are mentally with the Lord. Ask for support and strengthening. And the Lord will definitely help you, according to your faith, he will give you a person who will be your support. You really need such a person now. And your brother needs you. After all, he is younger. Less capable of life. be together and love each other. Hold on to each other and turn to the Lord in prayer. It will be easier that way.

Roman, age: 20 / 09.11.2012

Communicate with your mother as much as the remaining time allows. It’s very scary for you, it’s even harder for your brother - he’s small. support him. go to the temple, talk to the priest. BE SURE to communicate these days, grief recedes when a person is not alone. and one more thing: You will also have to console your mother. reassure her that you can handle it, that everything will be fine with YOU, tell her that you are strong. a lot falls on you. but tell yourself - this is how it is, I can handle it. It’s very hard until 40 days, then it gets easier. ask yourself for strength. Who - you know. please hang in there.

Larisa, age: 48 / 09.11.2012

Hold on. hold on somehow.

Katerina, age: 20 / 09.11.2012

Thank you all so much for your support!

I didn’t expect so many people to care

people around! Mom is still in the hospital

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to help her... the disease has eaten her up

her.. our flower is withering before our eyes.. it’s very painful and

it’s a shame..it seems like everything is not happening to me

or in a dream..I understand that I have to live

20 I became the mother of a 10 year old hooligan)) I want

hear your opinion about this case: when

Mom had surgery, she dreamed about my father

(he died 18 years ago) he said that he had

surprise - he renovated the house while she was away,

she went into the house, it’s really under renovation and that’s it

beautiful, but the floor is transparent and she answers him

: “Wow, what are you doing, the floor is bad, we need to

redo" and the dream ended. Maybe

True, her dad is waiting for her there... by the way, she’s always

says that no one loved her like him.

Thank you so much for your support! God willing

Each of you will never know grief and loss!

Ulyana, age: 20 / 11/10/2012

Perhaps there is something, some kind of sign. “They shall be made to understand by dreams,” says the Bible. Shortly before her death, my mother dreamed of her late sister - they also met in some building. And now you need to give your brother what your mother cannot: love and support. May the Lord bless you and strengthen you in trials.

Max, age: 32 / 11/10/2012

I'm very sorry that I wasted time

many experiences of fighting for my mother (cancer, several

extensive heart attacks) and now she is 80 years old and in full

health (I described above how I fought for her

see previous messages) but I am a believer and

I know what to do in such cases.. and what

concerns her father, of course, it is he who drags her there. And

in this case, we should have lit more candles for him

for his repose and write prayers for his repose

souls. it's a pity. I am a witness that God has us

hears. try urgently to do as I did for you

She said, maybe a miracle will happen. and name

Mom didn’t write, but every second counts.

Irina, age: 51 / 11/10/2012

Of course, Ulechka, all this unusual, unearthly stuff exists. and dad will most likely meet your mom there. and the state of unreality of everything that happens to you is also natural. It's just your first time. and as for wishes for there to be no grief and loss - this is in vain. there will be. and we need to prepare for them, master the wisdom of life, and think about why this or that event happened in life? For what?

forgive me for my philosophy, I’m not trying to teach you. I just want to support such a young man. POWER OF SPIRIT to you for the entire difficult period. Believe me, it will get easier.

Larisa, age: 48 / 11/10/2012

Half a year ago, my father died. It seems that I visited them often, whenever possible, but I have an ongoing feeling of guilt! I didn’t add something, I didn’t finish. Everything seemed like I’d have time. Now nothing can be fixed. Time is a good doctor, but it’s very slow. It’s not getting any easier. Don’t miss the time, talk to your mom, say goodbye. Then it’ll be too late! Just now I learned what a terrible word this is - NEVER! Hold on, pray.

Irina, age: 50 / 11/10/2012

Roman, Olga, thank you again for your support.

Irina, my mother's name is Victoria. I have a lot of respect

believers, but my family is not believers. U

mothers have such a number of metastases in the body that

physically...no matter how much I want to save her:((

Thank God that your mother is alive and well! give

Larisa, when I read your messages, my soul

It's getting warmer, you have magical energy. Thanks that

And thanks to the creators of the site. You are saving lives.

Illness of a loved one. How to save a relative and not break down yourself?

Hello, dear reader! A serious illness of a loved one becomes a test not only for himself, but also for relatives. Life seems to be divided into two parts: before and after. The first is happy, cloudless, with plans and dreams of a wonderful future. The second is gloomy and gray, with depressive thoughts and endless trips to the doctors. When this very “after” comes, it is very important not to break down and hold on until the last. But how to find strength in yourself? How to become a source of comfort? Don't get burned and reach the end?

Awareness and acceptance

Cancer, hepatitis, HIV. It doesn’t matter what terrible diagnosis the patient heard. The reaction is always the same – stupor and denial. A person does not want to believe that something terrible happened to him. Don't be surprised if your relative starts claiming that the doctors were wrong. Or he will refuse treatment, arguing that he is in complete order.

It will be hard for you too. But try to be the first to accept the fact that the diagnosis is true. And you have to fight the disease. Don't put pressure on your loved one and give him time to come to terms. Understand that everything is really happening. Just try to gently persuade your husband or parent to go additional examinations or a course of treatment prescribed by a doctor. After all, humility sometimes lasts for weeks or even months. And with symptoms serious illnesses you can't hesitate.

Don't be surprised if your cheerful and optimistic father turns into an obedient doll for a while. He will silently walk with you through the offices. Listen to the recommendations of specialists with a blind eye. Just try to be there. Do not give illusory hopes or promise that he will definitely get better. And wait until the person accepts the situation.

Do not be alarmed if a relative constantly repeats that he does not have cancer, but ordinary vitamin deficiency. Or cry silently for days and refuse food and communication with others. Everyone experiences grief differently. Just don’t let your sick father or husband go headlong into his own world. And don't pretend that nothing happened.

It's hard and painful. But the disease must be accepted. Polite smiles and small talk about trifles are also useful, but only after the relative decides to fight to the last. Or accept the inevitable. Do not support the illusion of an erroneous diagnosis and a worldwide conspiracy, because until acceptance comes, a person will not be able to move to the second level, which brings him closer to recovery.

Anger and aggression

One day the patient wakes up in the hospital or in his own bed and realizes: “This is my reality.” Droppers, pills, regular tests, weakness and gloomy silence from doctors. He finally understands that the disease has truly taken over his body. And then the second phase begins - anger.

A person with a serious diagnosis hates the whole world. Blames everyone around for his troubles. Relatives who made him nervous. Demanding boss, inadequate neighbors, government, doctors and just healthy people who don't have to fight cancer or hepatitis.

At the first stage, the patient is apathetic, because the body is trying to protect itself from severe stress. But gradually control weakens, and negative emotions come out. This is normal, because if a person holds back, his well-being only worsens.

The main thing is not to be frightened by unexpected outbursts of rage. And don’t take your relative’s accusations to heart. When a person realizes that he is seriously ill and there is minimal hope for salvation, he begins to protest. He thinks: “Why should I go through these trials when other people are enjoying life?”

Show that you understand his emotions. And you recognize the right to be angry. Just try not to show sympathy at this stage. It only adds fuel to the fire and increases hatred.

Don’t try to come up with sins for which the Universe or God could punish your relative. Patients with serious diagnoses often ask an invisible interlocutor what they did to deserve cancer, stroke or HIV. Nothing. Yes, you can remember how your husband injected himself with drugs, using one syringe between three of his friends. Or how my father liked to go on a binge for 2-3 weeks, which caused cirrhosis of the liver. You can’t help a patient with revelations alone.

There is no need to talk about misdeeds or bad karma. If you want to support a person, then remain silent. Or say: “Illness is not given for sins. It's just an accident. And you're out of luck. But it’s too early to give up.”

Good deal

Gradually, aggression decreases and is replaced by despair. The future seems hopeless and bleak. There is nothing ahead but suffering and death. To suppress the growing fear, the sick person begins to bargain with fate or heaven. He is trying to make a deal: “I will fulfill certain conditions, and in return I will receive health and long life to a very old age." It’s good if your relative at this stage strives to lead correct image life. For example, he refuses bad habits, eats only healthy products and follows all the instructions of the attending physician without complaining about life.

Some people get so caught up in the magic deal that they refuse to take the medications and stop going to treatments. They become fixated on mystical recovery and firmly believe that everything will happen without traditional medicine. Some patients try to visit as many temples and churches as possible. Kiss the icons, ask the saints for help. Others get carried away unconventional methods treatment. Decoctions, infusions and other dubious procedures. And still others fall into the hands of sectarians and pseudo-preachers who promise healing with one touch.

If you understand that your loved one has crossed the border and faith in miraculous healing does not help, but only worsens his condition, try to talk to him. Usually, behind excessive religiosity and hope for magic, there is a banal fear. Your relative is frightened by his illness and condition.

The patient needs to open his eyes. Show that he is driven by despair and fear of the future. As soon as your loved one understands the true motives of his actions, there will be a chance for his return to the world of adequate people. You may have to be a little harsh. Patients with enviable stubbornness do not want to give up their own illusions. But you have to break through the defense.

Try to gently convey to the person that prayers are good, but it is better to combine them with drugs and IVs. And the relics of saints help only those who follow the doctor’s recommendations. After all, people in white coats know much more than grandmothers and shamans from some remote place.

Last stage

The person denies, gets angry, tries to negotiate with higher powers. And when none of the above helps, he becomes depressed. This is also a normal reaction to serious illness. The patient finally realizes that life has not changed for the better. And he will have to go through difficulties. It’s good if there is a thin ray of hope at the end of the road. But not all illnesses end in recovery.

The first thing you must do is to give up sympathy and constant moaning. Believe me, your pitiful glances and bitter lamentations will only worsen the emotional state of your relative. It’s already difficult for him to fight dark thoughts. There is no need to heat up the atmosphere.

Don't try to hide your despair and your own fear behind a cheerful smile and encouraging phrases. Firstly, happy people cause irritation and anger in patients. Secondly, in a person with cancer or cirrhosis, only the body suffers. The brain functions normally, and the patient is aware of what is happening to him and how it all ends. Feigned fun only distances you from your beloved husband, father or mother.

What can you do? Find a good psychotherapist for your relative. Unfortunately, depressive conditions caused by serious illnesses cannot be eliminated at home. The patient is recommended to attend individual or group classes that help him come to terms with the diagnosis.

Learn to talk openly about things that concern your loved one. Do not start your greeting with the phrase “How are you?” Forget about this phrase. It causes the patient to become upset and stupefied. What kind of business can we talk about if he lies in a hospital bed for days and attends chemotherapy? And so on every day. Replace the standard phrase with the phrase: “How are you feeling?” Just be prepared for the fact that a person wants to talk about his experiences, thoughts and fears.

What should you do at this moment? Sit next to her, squeezing your hand, and listen, nodding your head. Allow your relative to pour out everything that has accumulated inside him. When a person speaks out his fears and problems, they seem to diminish and stop tormenting him, at least for a while.

The more you talk about frank and unpleasant topics, the faster depression recedes. Yes, sometimes you feel uncomfortable or uncomfortable. If the conversation makes you feel strong negative emotions, try to carefully reschedule the conversation for next time. Or offer to discuss some ordinary things. Just warn your loved one that the problem is not with him, but with your suspiciousness and fatigue.

Do not promise a patient who has minimal chances of recovery or a terminal diagnosis that everything will definitely work out for you. Don’t ask them to cheer up and look at the situation from a different, more optimistic angle. Such requests only alienate you from your relative, because it seems to him that no one is able to understand his feelings and share his grief.

Also try not to compare the person with friends or your pets who also had their tumors removed. All people are different. And at the time of illness, the sense of individuality becomes especially acute. Your husband or mother will be unpleasant if you compare her with your colleague. Especially if a friend was unable to overcome the problem or remained disabled. Patients with serious diagnoses do not want to think about the bad.

How to help yourself and your loved ones

Always remember that terrible diagnoses awaken two basic emotions in a person: fear and the desire to survive. Some patients, after receiving news of an incurable disease, begin to think about the meaning of life. They are looking for information that can comfort them. Many turn to religion. If your relative begins to attend church, read the Bible, or study Buddhism, do not ridicule his interests. It doesn't matter if you are an atheist, Christian or Muslim. A sick person has the right to his own point of view. If his beliefs do not interfere with treatment, there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes it is deepening into religion that works wonders and helps to get rid of terrible disease. Or at least brings comfort and peace.

Spend a lot of time with the sick person. You don’t have to spend days discussing the problem and its symptoms. You can watch TV series, walk in the park, if your relative’s health allows, knit or embroider. Invite your loved one to learn something new or make an old dream come true. For example, getting a manicure or wearing heels for the first time.

Drawing is a good way to deal with depressive and suicidal thoughts. Of course, your mother may claim that paints and markers are made for children. But offer to at least try. What if you like it? Bring your sick relative his favorite books and foods, gossip and talk about family matters. Sometimes warm conversations help drive away fear and panic.

You will have to become a psychologist, a support group, a caregiver, and even a nurse for a while. But you are also not iron and not immortal. Your emotional and physical resources are limited. To prevent the illness of a loved one from breaking you, never forget about yourself.

First, try to hire a nanny or caregiver. It is not necessary to use the services of a person with medical education, if your relative only needs to change linens, prepare healthy breakfasts and give pills in a timely manner. You can find a man or woman who is willing to sit with a sick person while you work for a minimal amount.

Yes, your mother or husband will want you to be nearby. But try to explain that you also need money. And without work, there will be no finances to buy medications and regular examinations.

Secondly, periodically spend time alone. Take a walk in the park while you go to the pharmacy or store. Sit on a bench with a book and listen to music. You need solitude to restore your nervous system.

You can keep diaries. When you write down all the bad thoughts and negative emotions, it becomes easier to control your words and feelings when communicating with a sick relative. After all, sometimes you want to respond with rudeness to rudeness or scream in despair: “When will this end?” Just hide the diary so that no one finds it.

Thirdly, try to communicate not only with a sick relative. Meet with friends periodically, go to cafes and cinemas. Yes, it’s hard for you now, but life doesn’t stop. And if you don’t allow yourself little breaks and pleasures, you’ll burn out.

Dear reader, when your beloved husband, father, mother, sister, brother or friend is sick, it is very difficult to cope with disappointment and bad thoughts. It is difficult to find words that can console a person and give him at least a few minutes of happiness. But you have to get through this together. Talk to your loved ones, hug and support them. Don't let you fall into deep depression, but don’t forget about yourself. After all, if you break down, your loved one will be left alone with their grief, fears and feelings of hopelessness.